Asperger's Syndrome & MMJ
- Thread starter DDave
- Start date
HellsWindStaff
Dharma Initiate
Very cool thread, I plan on reading this through the day and will add some thoughts. I got a 19 on the test posted on page 2, but, I've recently been diagnosed with mild Aspergers (1-2 months ago). Very much looking forward to reading this and giving my opinion/experience.
In the meantime, a friend posted this the other day and it made me laugh, too true sometimes.
In the meantime, a friend posted this the other day and it made me laugh, too true sometimes.
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Had a terrible moment yesterday... anxiety raised up, brain fuzzed out, I walked away. Left my hubby to deal with the mess {i feel} he created.
So, he now "knows" that I won't back him up. That I will walk away when he feels he needs me.
I've tried explaining that I just cannot function at all in confrontational situations.. too many risks, unknowns, and I have bad memories, dude .. so I'm all shaky today.
We've talked, a bit. I hate myself.
EDIT: stayed home after all. Still prone to tears if I look at/think about my hubby.
More good conversation.
So, he now "knows" that I won't back him up. That I will walk away when he feels he needs me.
I've tried explaining that I just cannot function at all in confrontational situations.. too many risks, unknowns, and I have bad memories, dude .. so I'm all shaky today.
We've talked, a bit. I hate myself.
EDIT: stayed home after all. Still prone to tears if I look at/think about my hubby.
More good conversation.
Last edited:
Very cool thread, I plan on reading this through the day and will add some thoughts. I got a 19 on the test posted on page 2, but, I've recently been diagnosed with mild Aspergers (1-2 months ago). Very much looking forward to reading this and giving my opinion/experience.
In the meantime, a friend posted this the other day and it made me laugh, too true sometimes.
@HellsWindStaff Welcome to the thread!
I'd really like to hear about your journey to diagnosis. From my experience, and what I've read, it's difficult and time consuming to get a formal diagnosis.
There are a few stages most go through when they make this discovery. Some are not too pleasant, but you'll get through them and in the end there is a great relief that most reach... a satisfaction in finally knowing "why".
If time permits, try out this quiz... http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
It results in a picture that helps identify strengths and other things... post the pic of the results if you can.
@Enchantre
Tell me about the situation. Also, include applicable amount of time before and after the incident.
I hate confrontation as well... but there are some techniques we can use to get through them.
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Ah... um, no, @DDave ... I'd rather not.
In general terms, hubby was rushing to my rescue (think knight in shining armor), and as soon as I hear "steel sliding from the sheathe" I turned around and walked back home. No thanks, do not pick a fight with a stranger on my behalf, or your own.
Here, I'll talk about my first spouse, the Angry Man. I was married to a very Angry Man.
He'd spent time in prison, and had many emotional/psychological scars, which would trigger rage in him whenever he thought someone was doing anything "just to piss him off"... seriously, he would rant, sometimes with flying spittle! at other drivers, kids on street corners with "alternate" hair cuts/colors (I am NOT kidding. he once threatened to "beat the shit" out of one guy who was just standing at the corner waiting on the light, because he had a blue mohawk), .... and I was always in the middle of all that, tasked with "talking him down".. and trying to protect my small children to boot.
Angry Man had no problem shifting blame to me in public. He also accused me of not backing him up, not supporting him in his anger, and he was upset that I took the other side against him. Me, I'm trying to teach the kids that appearances are not reality, that everyone can express themselves as they like, and, gee whiz, hair grows out.
Angry Man was also Abusive Man, and I have a slew of scars inside (and, perhaps, a few visible, too). Angry Man and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mom were great friends, btw.
So, the PTSD-inducing stuff from childhood continued right on into my adulthood, until I finally "grew a pair" and divorced him. Rolled over during that, too. Walked away with almost half of my legal half, and no support while I went to school and got my degree.
Anyway, bad emotional flash-backs and personal melt-downs all around. I'm spending today well medicated, and ragged around the edges.
In general terms, hubby was rushing to my rescue (think knight in shining armor), and as soon as I hear "steel sliding from the sheathe" I turned around and walked back home. No thanks, do not pick a fight with a stranger on my behalf, or your own.
Here, I'll talk about my first spouse, the Angry Man. I was married to a very Angry Man.
He'd spent time in prison, and had many emotional/psychological scars, which would trigger rage in him whenever he thought someone was doing anything "just to piss him off"... seriously, he would rant, sometimes with flying spittle! at other drivers, kids on street corners with "alternate" hair cuts/colors (I am NOT kidding. he once threatened to "beat the shit" out of one guy who was just standing at the corner waiting on the light, because he had a blue mohawk), .... and I was always in the middle of all that, tasked with "talking him down".. and trying to protect my small children to boot.
Angry Man had no problem shifting blame to me in public. He also accused me of not backing him up, not supporting him in his anger, and he was upset that I took the other side against him. Me, I'm trying to teach the kids that appearances are not reality, that everyone can express themselves as they like, and, gee whiz, hair grows out.
Angry Man was also Abusive Man, and I have a slew of scars inside (and, perhaps, a few visible, too). Angry Man and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mom were great friends, btw.
So, the PTSD-inducing stuff from childhood continued right on into my adulthood, until I finally "grew a pair" and divorced him. Rolled over during that, too. Walked away with almost half of my legal half, and no support while I went to school and got my degree.
Anyway, bad emotional flash-backs and personal melt-downs all around. I'm spending today well medicated, and ragged around the edges.
Understood. Be well and heal soon.
grokit
well-worn member
Amd and npdm sounds a lot like my childhood dynamic. Npdm certainly knows how to press amd's buttons doesn't she. Congrats on getting out of the dysfunction, it's hard enough to deal with this kind of fallout.
HellsWindStaff
Dharma Initiate
Read through some of the thread, decided to just post my story/thoughts. Prepare for a long read lol.
(Edit: WOW! "Please enter a post no more than 1000 characters, well I got 3,000 about Aspergers!
Apologies for Double/Trip Post, but I'm not going to space the story out with comments in between )
Growing up, I was a normal kid, albeit smarter than the average kid. Devoured books, a very vivid imagination, and I was smart. School, very very easy for me. Boring actually. High Honor roll, was tested to be in the “gifted” program, but I opted not to do it as I didn’t want to leave all my friends.
I’m, not that athletic…..I guess uncoordinated is the better word. Growing up, I sucked at sports other than swimming, and I often didn’t push myself for a “fear of failure.” My parents, to their credit or discredit, would never sugarcoat my accomplishments or lack thereof. There were sure to praise me when I did well, but if I asked, “did I do well?” in a soccer game, they would say, “You weren’t trying your best,” which, I wasn’t, because I hated playing sports like that, but this idea of seeking approval and satisfaction, and my parents idea of “being the best you can be,” (a good idea to have mind you, I’m’ not hating on them) was certainly a source of conflict growing up.
Around, 5th grade (10-11), I started getting as my parents called it, “lazier.” I was happy with my mostly A’s and one B, but my parents would get on my case, because they knew I could get the A’s if I put my mind to it. I would get resentful, why am I not getting any credit for the 4 A’s! Why are you just harping on this one B! This, increased over the years. I started caring less, as I knew I would get chewed out if I didn’t do perfect. My grades steadily decreased from that age, til I graduated high school. Keep in mind though, I finished high school with a 3.4 GPA, and I got into a very hard and difficult college. I was not trying my best, but I was hardly doing poor. Getting into college, and the college I got into, seemed to easy my parents off my back for senior year.
I want to digress a little bit, and just talk about my social life in high school. I was very much friendly with people growing up, and “social” in elementary school. I grew a bit more withdrawn as middle school and high school approached, but still generally I got along very well with people (still do) and I didn’t really dislike social stuff. I dare say, I could have even been considered, “popular”; well liked by my student’s and peers, got their shit done and wasn’t a burnout/druggie, and would get bombed on cheap vodka and mid grade weed on the weekends
Something to consider though, my friends were more often then not, people I “partied” with. There were a few who were certainly my “friends” but more or less these are people I’m not hanging around on a Saturday afternoon just getting coffee, but shit, I do like to get drunk with you. I’m sure you all have a few. “Drinking buddies” seems so impersonal and I feel like the relationships I had were more than that, but it wouldn’t be too far out of line to call them that.
I get to college, and I room with a friend from high school. This was an awful call in hindsight. I withdrew into a shell in an unfamiliar environment. Me and my buddy would get stoned and play video games all the time. We found some pretty cool people at college too, some great friends. They too, loved getting stoned and playing games and partying. Not really what college is about. None of us still go there, but that’s beside the point.
I shut down. I shut down a lot growing up, just in little things, and even not giving 100% in school is somewhat shutting down. But college is where the proof really hit the pudding? Lol. I did piss poor my freshman year, just barely scraping by. I’m talking C’s and Ds. Was god awful at managing my time. Was god awful at prioritizing and not being a procrastinator.
(Edit: WOW! "Please enter a post no more than 1000 characters, well I got 3,000 about Aspergers!
Apologies for Double/Trip Post, but I'm not going to space the story out with comments in between )Growing up, I was a normal kid, albeit smarter than the average kid. Devoured books, a very vivid imagination, and I was smart. School, very very easy for me. Boring actually. High Honor roll, was tested to be in the “gifted” program, but I opted not to do it as I didn’t want to leave all my friends.
I’m, not that athletic…..I guess uncoordinated is the better word. Growing up, I sucked at sports other than swimming, and I often didn’t push myself for a “fear of failure.” My parents, to their credit or discredit, would never sugarcoat my accomplishments or lack thereof. There were sure to praise me when I did well, but if I asked, “did I do well?” in a soccer game, they would say, “You weren’t trying your best,” which, I wasn’t, because I hated playing sports like that, but this idea of seeking approval and satisfaction, and my parents idea of “being the best you can be,” (a good idea to have mind you, I’m’ not hating on them) was certainly a source of conflict growing up.
Around, 5th grade (10-11), I started getting as my parents called it, “lazier.” I was happy with my mostly A’s and one B, but my parents would get on my case, because they knew I could get the A’s if I put my mind to it. I would get resentful, why am I not getting any credit for the 4 A’s! Why are you just harping on this one B! This, increased over the years. I started caring less, as I knew I would get chewed out if I didn’t do perfect. My grades steadily decreased from that age, til I graduated high school. Keep in mind though, I finished high school with a 3.4 GPA, and I got into a very hard and difficult college. I was not trying my best, but I was hardly doing poor. Getting into college, and the college I got into, seemed to easy my parents off my back for senior year.
I want to digress a little bit, and just talk about my social life in high school. I was very much friendly with people growing up, and “social” in elementary school. I grew a bit more withdrawn as middle school and high school approached, but still generally I got along very well with people (still do) and I didn’t really dislike social stuff. I dare say, I could have even been considered, “popular”; well liked by my student’s and peers, got their shit done and wasn’t a burnout/druggie, and would get bombed on cheap vodka and mid grade weed on the weekends
Something to consider though, my friends were more often then not, people I “partied” with. There were a few who were certainly my “friends” but more or less these are people I’m not hanging around on a Saturday afternoon just getting coffee, but shit, I do like to get drunk with you. I’m sure you all have a few. “Drinking buddies” seems so impersonal and I feel like the relationships I had were more than that, but it wouldn’t be too far out of line to call them that.I get to college, and I room with a friend from high school. This was an awful call in hindsight. I withdrew into a shell in an unfamiliar environment. Me and my buddy would get stoned and play video games all the time. We found some pretty cool people at college too, some great friends. They too, loved getting stoned and playing games and partying. Not really what college is about. None of us still go there, but that’s beside the point.
I shut down. I shut down a lot growing up, just in little things, and even not giving 100% in school is somewhat shutting down. But college is where the proof really hit the pudding? Lol. I did piss poor my freshman year, just barely scraping by. I’m talking C’s and Ds. Was god awful at managing my time. Was god awful at prioritizing and not being a procrastinator.
HellsWindStaff
Dharma Initiate
The thing that sucks the most, is I was aware I was shutting down more often then not. But I simply just didn’t know what to do, or didn’t care. Yeah, if I don’t go to class, the 3k I spent on this class is going to go down the toilet…..that process didn’t register with me. I was just like “oh whatever, I’ll be able to pull out of it,” and the next day, same thing. Vicious cycle, when you tell yourself you’ll better and improve the next day, and then just continually do that lol.
I also got into a bout of legal trouble at the start of my sophomore year. Long story short, I’d never really been in trouble with the law before, and although my case was dismissed and all my charges and everything got dismissed or pled down to summary offenses (Trespassing, Disorderly Conduct), I was very very stressed out and this did little to help with my schooling. I shut down harder, I got depressed, had many a thoughts of “Why me? Why am I so fucking stupid?” A semester later, I was officially out of school for good.
I visited with a therapist about my tendency to shut down. Very little in terms of help. At the time, I felt good talking to her, but she really did nothing to help me or give me any sort of strategies or insight into what exactly may be wrong with me, if anything at all. Perscribed me Zoloft, I took it for about 2 months, then quit it as I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I eventually start taking some easy courses online at a community college. I still, slack, but again, I’m inherently smart. I did an entire semester’s worth of material in like…2 weeks? They were all online courses, so the classes just had a slew of things due at the end, there were really no due dates weekly. This gave me false confidence that I was “better.”
I went back to the school I dropped out of, but this time I’m commuting which fucking sucked tbh, and now I’m working 20+ hours on top of the schooling. Then I get fired from my job, unjustly and the courts paid me BANK in unemployment because I was wrongfully terminated, but again, this is just stress and conflict and things I outright don’t know how to cope with. I fail out, a second time.
Got a job working for my dad, and things go pretty well, but sometimes I will still procrastinate and find it hard to accomplish the goals I need for the day. (I find it hard to accomplish life goals in general) as well as a general feeling of despair and helplessness about the future. The last thing I want to do is live & die in Western PA like so many other schmucks here (I mean that in the most endearing way possible, I love the simple folk around here <3 , but I find there is something immensely sad when I see the “townies” at the local bar telling the same stories of their youth to the same people, their families knowing each other for decades; I’m a transplant so maybe I just don’t appreciate it as much, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with moving 3 streets over from your childhood home with your high school sweetheart to work at the steel mill, but it’s not for me)
I met with my general practioner. And expressed how I was depressed, trouble focusing, and as I got older, social anxiety crept up more. My heart always flutters in new situations and when dealing with new people. Maybe, I’m embarrassed that I’m 6 years out of school with no degree, while my brother 2 years my junior just graduated with a Bachelors in Chemistry. Maybe, I worry that people won’t accept me for me. W/e the case, I often found it hard to meet new people and strike conversation…..ONCE I knew someone for a few hours, conversation can go really easily. I just am awful at making a first impression, and there are certainly people I’ve left thinking, “Well that HWS is a strange bird,” but get to know me a bit more, and you’ll see the intelligence, the humor, the wit, and realize I’m not just a socially awkward guy, but a socially awkward guy who can go rap Lodi Dodi at the bar in front of a crowd when he gets some booze in him and the crowd gets going, a socially awkward guy who can tell you about the best and sweetest vaporizers a socially awkward guy who can delve really deep into the thematic elements and editing techniques in TV.
I also got into a bout of legal trouble at the start of my sophomore year. Long story short, I’d never really been in trouble with the law before, and although my case was dismissed and all my charges and everything got dismissed or pled down to summary offenses (Trespassing, Disorderly Conduct), I was very very stressed out and this did little to help with my schooling. I shut down harder, I got depressed, had many a thoughts of “Why me? Why am I so fucking stupid?” A semester later, I was officially out of school for good.
I visited with a therapist about my tendency to shut down. Very little in terms of help. At the time, I felt good talking to her, but she really did nothing to help me or give me any sort of strategies or insight into what exactly may be wrong with me, if anything at all. Perscribed me Zoloft, I took it for about 2 months, then quit it as I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I eventually start taking some easy courses online at a community college. I still, slack, but again, I’m inherently smart. I did an entire semester’s worth of material in like…2 weeks? They were all online courses, so the classes just had a slew of things due at the end, there were really no due dates weekly. This gave me false confidence that I was “better.”
I went back to the school I dropped out of, but this time I’m commuting which fucking sucked tbh, and now I’m working 20+ hours on top of the schooling. Then I get fired from my job, unjustly and the courts paid me BANK in unemployment because I was wrongfully terminated, but again, this is just stress and conflict and things I outright don’t know how to cope with. I fail out, a second time.
Got a job working for my dad, and things go pretty well, but sometimes I will still procrastinate and find it hard to accomplish the goals I need for the day. (I find it hard to accomplish life goals in general) as well as a general feeling of despair and helplessness about the future. The last thing I want to do is live & die in Western PA like so many other schmucks here (I mean that in the most endearing way possible, I love the simple folk around here <3 , but I find there is something immensely sad when I see the “townies” at the local bar telling the same stories of their youth to the same people, their families knowing each other for decades; I’m a transplant so maybe I just don’t appreciate it as much, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with moving 3 streets over from your childhood home with your high school sweetheart to work at the steel mill, but it’s not for me)
I met with my general practioner. And expressed how I was depressed, trouble focusing, and as I got older, social anxiety crept up more. My heart always flutters in new situations and when dealing with new people. Maybe, I’m embarrassed that I’m 6 years out of school with no degree, while my brother 2 years my junior just graduated with a Bachelors in Chemistry. Maybe, I worry that people won’t accept me for me. W/e the case, I often found it hard to meet new people and strike conversation…..ONCE I knew someone for a few hours, conversation can go really easily. I just am awful at making a first impression, and there are certainly people I’ve left thinking, “Well that HWS is a strange bird,” but get to know me a bit more, and you’ll see the intelligence, the humor, the wit, and realize I’m not just a socially awkward guy, but a socially awkward guy who can go rap Lodi Dodi at the bar in front of a crowd when he gets some booze in him and the crowd gets going, a socially awkward guy who can tell you about the best and sweetest vaporizers
a socially awkward guy who can delve really deep into the thematic elements and editing techniques in TV.
HellsWindStaff
Dharma Initiate
So, my GP prescribed me Lexxapro. It actually kind of worked! Felt better, not like my back was against the world, and was able to actually make some steps and curbed my anxiety a bit. Unfortunately, it also made me feel like after some time, and I stopped taking it.
Met with her again, and expressed how I felt better emotionally, but still had some troubles focusing. She was hesitant to give me Ritalin or Adderall, for fear the speed could compound my anxiety. So now I’m taking this stuff called…..Strattera? I’m not one for medicines, but this stuff is actually a godsend for me personally. It’s a nonstimulant type of medication, so although my palms will sweat a little more, I don’t get the clammy sweaty extremities I get when taking other ADD meds. It’s also, mild, yet certainly noticiable. I’m able to focus on the job at hand, the task that needs completed, and get it done. I don’t feel sped up or unnatural, nor does it keep me up all night. I still procrastinate somewhat in terms of life choices, but I’m working on MAKING MOVES. CAN’T BE STAGNANT!!
Anyways, my parents were happy with me taking the Strattera, and told me they noticed a positive change in my mood and my personality/work ethic. They have a family friend who knows a Psychiatrist, and they wanted me to see her with me, just for confirmation that I do infact have a mild form of ADD. The Psych agreed, and also said I likely have a mild form of Aspergers.
This Psych, for the record, seems a bit out there, and when she wasn’t blaming the social and cultural media for warping my young mind to not have work ethic, or telling me that the government wants to legalize marijuana to demasculinize men so we are all “betas” and let them do whatever, she actually had some pretty valid points and correlations. I “lack insight.” It’s why I tend not to see the consequences of my actions, such as shutting down in school. It explained my lack of interest & motivation in things that do not interest me, and it also explained my almost encyclopedic knowledge of hobbies or things that interest me. I’ve often been accused of being selfish by my family, and to a lesser degree my friends. She also explained that when my parents critique me, or people who care about me critique me, they aren’t trying to bully me or be jackasses, they are simply my “coaches,” and want the best for me possible.
The lack of insight, is also why I’m unsure of what to do, and what steps to make. In the past, I think my ADD and general lack of insight into the world would stop me from making any steps at all, now, I’m just making moves as I can, one step at a time. I’m going to the gym everyday (Started doing this recently, but quit again….), I’ve contacted a local campus of a pretty good school that I’m making moves to attend night classes in the Summer/Fall (not sure yet). I’m contacting people for a new place of residence. I can’t just let the world pass me by, I CAN take the steps in order to have the future I want.
And what is that? Shit, I just want to be able to have a well paying job, that allows me to live by the beach. I fucking love the beach. So therapeautic for me. I mentioned earlier I was a swimmer, I really just enjoy swimming and the warm weather, and life is too short to not get to experience that. So that’s my plan, going to get this degree with my night school classes (It will be a Bachelors in Managing Information Systems), and hopefully utilize that to move. Moving also requires saving money, which is a big stresser for me and I’m a generally terrible budgeter, but I’ve also managed to at least keep a mindful mind on my finances. If all goes well, hopefully in 2 years time I’ll have something to show for this. Maybe 3 years. W/e, the point is, I NEED to get things done, and the ONLY person who can get the things done is ME.
In terms of how it’s actually made me feel? Being diagnosed with Aspergers? Generally, not different at all. A bit of relief knowing that there are people out there whose brain’s tick a bit differently like I do, and I’m really NOT just a crazy loon. That is what used to eat at me the most, I’m verbalizing and explaining a point, and it seems like no matter what I’m saying, the other party simply “doesn’t get it.” Now, I’m just accepting that I tend to look at things a bit differently, and I shouldn’t expect people to just understand what I mean.
I do need to move out though. I live with two roomates, who by and large, despite them being my friends, are pretty fucking awful people and don’t do things to help my mental state. It’s not intentional on their parts, but one is highly narcissitic and can never do any wrong, consequentially, that leaves me and whoever else to be the “wrong ones.” That drives me crazy, because I already am “lacking insight,” so I’m like “Do people really fucking think this way? Am I really THAT delusional and off base” and I’ve came to the conclusion that, no, I’m not, and my friend also has some mental issues. That’s something else I learned too, that people may be your “coaches,” but not everyone is your coach. Some people are really just doing it for selfish reasons and/or to improve their own self worth. I think part of my problem is that I would often have problems distinguishing between good coaching (my parents) and shit coaching (my friends “advice” on how I fucked up, that they use to make themselves feel good about working a $10 an hour job for a living)
I haven’t told any of my friends, I’ve been diagnosed with mild Aspies. I joked around with my brother a bit, he was driving like a maniac and when I told him to slow down a bit and he didn’t, I covered my ears and went, “I HAVE ASPIES, STOP STOP STOP!!” Maybe ignorant, but lightened the mood a bit and felt good to joke around about it.
That being said, he retold that story to friends of his, people I met for the very first time, at an Easter Party. Needless to say, I felt a bit funny and kind of embarrassed/mad at him. He apologized and just told me he didn’t think it would bother me. Guess I do put up a pretty brave face J but yeah, its something I’m not embarrassed about, but also not something I want to define my character or as a “trait” that people just associate with me.
In general, I try to look at it in a positive light. Now I know my brain works a bit different, and I can take the steps needed to ensure I’m on task, and that I don’t slip into old habits. I have a little “To Do” list that I carry around, just writing simple things in it to do for the day, feels good to draw that line through it once it’s completed. Also, trying to turn it into a general net positive for me; I had applied to some reality TV shows twice (past two years), and I actually made it a bit further down the pipeline whenever I stylized myself as “I’m a guy who overcame not having a college degree by being a hardworker and look, I have a decent job!” I’m not totally sure if I want to do it yet, as my parents think it could shoot any chances I have in the foot if the network doesn’t want to have a potentially sensitive subject (Aspergers) to deal with, but in my head, I think I could sell the story of a guy who persevered through the hardships of Aspergers and found success pretty well. TV Casting love people with hardships, love people who persevere and don’t quit….can I spin my Apsie Story into that? Maybe I’ll just say ADD, idk, point is, I consider my diagnoses a good thing. Now I’m aware, able to take the steps to rectify and not let my Asperger’s dictate my life, and who knows, maybe I can spin it in a way to get on TV down the line?
Simple saying, but Nike’s, “Just Do It,” really hits the mark and is something I try to think about. No one can do it but you, so, just do it.
Thanks for reading, I’ve never actually written down my entire pathway to Aspergers, so this was kind of cathartic/reflecting/inspiring in a way. Hope it can do the same for others, or at the very least, provide a good read for 5 minutes. Lot I didn't write down as well, if anyone has a ? feel free
Met with her again, and expressed how I felt better emotionally, but still had some troubles focusing. She was hesitant to give me Ritalin or Adderall, for fear the speed could compound my anxiety. So now I’m taking this stuff called…..Strattera? I’m not one for medicines, but this stuff is actually a godsend for me personally. It’s a nonstimulant type of medication, so although my palms will sweat a little more, I don’t get the clammy sweaty extremities I get when taking other ADD meds. It’s also, mild, yet certainly noticiable. I’m able to focus on the job at hand, the task that needs completed, and get it done. I don’t feel sped up or unnatural, nor does it keep me up all night. I still procrastinate somewhat in terms of life choices, but I’m working on MAKING MOVES. CAN’T BE STAGNANT!!
Anyways, my parents were happy with me taking the Strattera, and told me they noticed a positive change in my mood and my personality/work ethic. They have a family friend who knows a Psychiatrist, and they wanted me to see her with me, just for confirmation that I do infact have a mild form of ADD. The Psych agreed, and also said I likely have a mild form of Aspergers.
This Psych, for the record, seems a bit out there, and when she wasn’t blaming the social and cultural media for warping my young mind to not have work ethic, or telling me that the government wants to legalize marijuana to demasculinize men so we are all “betas” and let them do whatever, she actually had some pretty valid points and correlations. I “lack insight.” It’s why I tend not to see the consequences of my actions, such as shutting down in school. It explained my lack of interest & motivation in things that do not interest me, and it also explained my almost encyclopedic knowledge of hobbies or things that interest me. I’ve often been accused of being selfish by my family, and to a lesser degree my friends. She also explained that when my parents critique me, or people who care about me critique me, they aren’t trying to bully me or be jackasses, they are simply my “coaches,” and want the best for me possible.
The lack of insight, is also why I’m unsure of what to do, and what steps to make. In the past, I think my ADD and general lack of insight into the world would stop me from making any steps at all, now, I’m just making moves as I can, one step at a time. I’m going to the gym everyday (Started doing this recently, but quit again….), I’ve contacted a local campus of a pretty good school that I’m making moves to attend night classes in the Summer/Fall (not sure yet). I’m contacting people for a new place of residence. I can’t just let the world pass me by, I CAN take the steps in order to have the future I want.
And what is that? Shit, I just want to be able to have a well paying job, that allows me to live by the beach. I fucking love the beach. So therapeautic for me. I mentioned earlier I was a swimmer, I really just enjoy swimming and the warm weather, and life is too short to not get to experience that. So that’s my plan, going to get this degree with my night school classes (It will be a Bachelors in Managing Information Systems), and hopefully utilize that to move. Moving also requires saving money, which is a big stresser for me and I’m a generally terrible budgeter, but I’ve also managed to at least keep a mindful mind on my finances. If all goes well, hopefully in 2 years time I’ll have something to show for this. Maybe 3 years. W/e, the point is, I NEED to get things done, and the ONLY person who can get the things done is ME.
In terms of how it’s actually made me feel? Being diagnosed with Aspergers? Generally, not different at all. A bit of relief knowing that there are people out there whose brain’s tick a bit differently like I do, and I’m really NOT just a crazy loon. That is what used to eat at me the most, I’m verbalizing and explaining a point, and it seems like no matter what I’m saying, the other party simply “doesn’t get it.” Now, I’m just accepting that I tend to look at things a bit differently, and I shouldn’t expect people to just understand what I mean.
I do need to move out though. I live with two roomates, who by and large, despite them being my friends, are pretty fucking awful people and don’t do things to help my mental state. It’s not intentional on their parts, but one is highly narcissitic and can never do any wrong, consequentially, that leaves me and whoever else to be the “wrong ones.” That drives me crazy, because I already am “lacking insight,” so I’m like “Do people really fucking think this way? Am I really THAT delusional and off base” and I’ve came to the conclusion that, no, I’m not, and my friend also has some mental issues. That’s something else I learned too, that people may be your “coaches,” but not everyone is your coach. Some people are really just doing it for selfish reasons and/or to improve their own self worth. I think part of my problem is that I would often have problems distinguishing between good coaching (my parents) and shit coaching (my friends “advice” on how I fucked up, that they use to make themselves feel good about working a $10 an hour job for a living)
I haven’t told any of my friends, I’ve been diagnosed with mild Aspies. I joked around with my brother a bit, he was driving like a maniac and when I told him to slow down a bit and he didn’t, I covered my ears and went, “I HAVE ASPIES, STOP STOP STOP!!” Maybe ignorant, but lightened the mood a bit and felt good to joke around about it.
That being said, he retold that story to friends of his, people I met for the very first time, at an Easter Party. Needless to say, I felt a bit funny and kind of embarrassed/mad at him. He apologized and just told me he didn’t think it would bother me. Guess I do put up a pretty brave face J but yeah, its something I’m not embarrassed about, but also not something I want to define my character or as a “trait” that people just associate with me.
In general, I try to look at it in a positive light. Now I know my brain works a bit different, and I can take the steps needed to ensure I’m on task, and that I don’t slip into old habits. I have a little “To Do” list that I carry around, just writing simple things in it to do for the day, feels good to draw that line through it once it’s completed. Also, trying to turn it into a general net positive for me; I had applied to some reality TV shows twice (past two years), and I actually made it a bit further down the pipeline whenever I stylized myself as “I’m a guy who overcame not having a college degree by being a hardworker and look, I have a decent job!” I’m not totally sure if I want to do it yet, as my parents think it could shoot any chances I have in the foot if the network doesn’t want to have a potentially sensitive subject (Aspergers) to deal with, but in my head, I think I could sell the story of a guy who persevered through the hardships of Aspergers and found success pretty well. TV Casting love people with hardships, love people who persevere and don’t quit….can I spin my Apsie Story into that? Maybe I’ll just say ADD, idk, point is, I consider my diagnoses a good thing. Now I’m aware, able to take the steps to rectify and not let my Asperger’s dictate my life, and who knows, maybe I can spin it in a way to get on TV down the line?
Simple saying, but Nike’s, “Just Do It,” really hits the mark and is something I try to think about. No one can do it but you, so, just do it.
Thanks for reading, I’ve never actually written down my entire pathway to Aspergers, so this was kind of cathartic/reflecting/inspiring in a way. Hope it can do the same for others, or at the very least, provide a good read for 5 minutes. Lot I didn't write down as well, if anyone has a ? feel free
@HellsWindStaff Wow! That was amazing detail!
After the greatest event, my self-discovery of Aspergers, the 2nd most monumental moment was when I awakened to another's thoughts/feelings/perspective... That was my life changing event and it took 10 years of living with this person for this to take place.
I did however recently put the finances into Excel, in my own format... had great results... understandable from my perspective and really helped. Sometimes, the way you do something will dictate success or not.
Your post(s) were awesome and I see them helping others.... while I was reading... well, to be cliche, it was like reading my own story in many parts.... Nice job!
In my opinion, seek employment in an area that you would consider your hobby. One that you really enjoy. You'll know when you find it, as you will be able to effortlessly absorb information relating to the subject and will be able to remember everything you absorb. If you can find work in something you enjoy, you will excel and find satisfaction.
This, for me, was some scarey stuff! Didn't feel bad, didn't feel good, didn't feel anything at all.
I concur with this. IMO We live in Today. We occasionally visit the past or peek into the future, but the here and now is where we exist.
Bingo! If you're not interested, you'll know it. It will be difficult or impossible to absorb any content and recall will be minimal... save for the pain of trying to absorb the subject matter in the first place.
From their perspective, we are. In the past, I thought as me alone. Didn't understand why anyone would have different thoughts than I did.. different needs... Why couldn't they see it logically, as I could?
After the greatest event, my self-discovery of Aspergers, the 2nd most monumental moment was when I awakened to another's thoughts/feelings/perspective... That was my life changing event and it took 10 years of living with this person for this to take place.
Since I can remember, swimming has been my go to. Underwater, the silence. Swimming, almost like flying. And body surfing, what an amazing set of sensations.
LOL! I am as well! Not sure if that's related to the Live in the here and now, or trying to log the past and forecast the future.
I did however recently put the finances into Excel, in my own format... had great results... understandable from my perspective and really helped. Sometimes, the way you do something will dictate success or not.
I found relief, but also a focus on things I needed to work on in order to better walk the path with others. I hate the words "fit in" because I don't want to fit in. I do want to be able to see things from other's perspectives... and I want to be able to get them to see things from my perspective as well. The former, I have more control over and am progressing well in that respect... the latter, well, that will probably be a life-long quest... but I've seen improvements.
Your post(s) were awesome and I see them helping others.... while I was reading... well, to be cliche, it was like reading my own story in many parts.... Nice job!
No way clukx... nobody's thinking that!
We all have time when we need to pull off the road and take a break... Welcome back!
clukx
Well-Known Member
Thanks! I hope the weather is good for everyone I love you guys! @HellsWindStaff you sound like me bud don't worry well find it!
lve been gone mostly from fc for a while but tonight i feel my voice desires to be heard. I do my very best to try to communicate in a polite manner here on fc... it can be difficult so some times I sound a little funny when im trying to be polite when people are being flat out rude.... but this really takes the cake here on FC.... I have only quoted the end of this pm cause the rest is sensitive... but this is about as flamed as I will tolerate without some type of passive agressive retaliation.
enjoy
... been pissing me off for about an hour and I really wish I could post thier name... but karmatically this is as far as I wanna push it... I will no doubt stub my toe for this later but....
FUCK THAT SHIT... be more humane... fucking monkeys.
enjoy
... been pissing me off for about an hour and I really wish I could post thier name... but karmatically this is as far as I wanna push it... I will no doubt stub my toe for this later but....
FUCK THAT SHIT... be more humane... fucking monkeys.
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GOOD LUCK
^^^ Aspie Job Interview: And so it begins! ^^^
Can't figure out which button to wear!!!!
If you're out there, and you regularly wish-hope-dream-etc..... WISH ME LUCK!!!
@DDaveedit: outgoing introvert or yes im ignoring you.
I personally wore my "hermits unite" pin on the regular til I lost it.
Enchantre
Oil Painter
Bacon. Lovely, thick sliced peppered bacon from pigs that ran in the sunshine...
and coffee. Just did a dab. You?
... seriously, though, Some days I just want to wave my Aspie flag, you know? "You all are so very bland... why don't you ever TRY to have fun?"
Oh, and we have a new name for that blank, slightly annoyed, focused look that I get when I'm off thinking about ... yeah, everything ... it's "Resting Bitch Face"
and coffee. Just did a dab. You?
... seriously, though, Some days I just want to wave my Aspie flag, you know? "You all are so very bland... why don't you ever TRY to have fun?"
Oh, and we have a new name for that blank, slightly annoyed, focused look that I get when I'm off thinking about ... yeah, everything ... it's "Resting Bitch Face"
Bacon. Lovely, thick sliced peppered bacon from pigs that ran in the sunshine...
and coffee. Just did a dab. You?
... seriously, though, Some days I just want to wave my Aspie flag, you know? "You all are so very bland... why don't you ever TRY to have fun?"
Oh, and we have a new name for that blank, slightly annoyed, focused look that I get when I'm off thinking about ... yeah, everything ... it's "Resting Bitch Face"
Mmmmm...... Bacon
At my place, we simply call bacon 'cheating'. Everything with bacon added is good.. ok, not everything everything, but it does add to so much. So we kind of get a kick out of trying something different (recipe) or eating out at a different location and when we run into a good dish which includes bacon, we get a kick out of saying 'they cheated'.
And having fun is what it's all about. Wherever you go, be it shopping, out for a walk, zoo, movie.... pretty much anywhere at all, there is adventure to be found. Heck, just watching other people from a distance and narrating their activities and I can have the family rolling in laughter...
LOL @ RB Face! When that happens to me, someone in my family usually just says "he's lost again"....