I have dysthimia, aka persistent depressive disorder. I think my earliest signs of it started showing when I was about 7 or 8, but it's basically a constant low-level depression with cycles of major depression. I got the bonus diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety when I finally caved in to pharma treatment/help. Point being, it's the kind of thing I have been living with forever.
I can't tell you how completely bummed out I was to learn about this type of depression. Some people liken it to PTSD because the depression and anxiety is so constant and pervasive that your body is constantly in fight-or-flight without any release for years. It alters your body chemistry as your system is constantly flooded with cortisol and reshapes your brain and manner of thinking. The only thing my antidepressants CAN do, is relieve the stress. It was a sad day when I realized I wasn't going to "get back to being myself" like they all say anti-depressants are designed to do because I don't have a self to get back to.
It was the same with the exercise and the weed. Well, ok, I always hated the exercise and it didn't do anything directly for my stress and anxiety, but losing 70lbs sure took the strain of my body, which became one less thing to obsess about and hate myself over.
The points I'm vaguely getting around to is long-term issues with anxiety don't usually get relief from a single magic bullet, you need a fully automatic weapon for it. In my case/example, the anti-depressants only relieve the physical stress my body experiences. The weed relaxes my anxiety and quiets my pessimism and racing mind. Those two things are what's going to allow me to really work on the issue, which means Cognitive Therapy, meditation, mindful actions, journaling and a massive removal of all my old habits. Basically, I have to build myself from scratch because for however long I've been building myself with defective material and unrealistic blueprints.
If you're dealing with a persistently recurring issue like that, you'll want to reassess everything. Your job sucks and you hate it, but can't do anything about that right now. At least not directly. If you work on all the other stuff, about being mindful and working on finding a sense of peace elsewhere in your life, instead of trying to stick out your chin and trudge through until "sometime later," you'll find it a much easier road.
I have the same condition as you, amongst others.
I had a similar experience, except that I found that SSRI's just knocked me all over the place because I wear many professional hats when I am not too sick to work and am often far too busy to take them at the same time every day. SSRI's need to be taken in the context of a life structured enough to allow dosing at the same time every day, with special attention given to which time of day is best for the given patient. This is anathema to how I function best in every other aspect of my life.
I ended up abandoning SSRI's which were just a cruel joke in my situation and an unwelcome expense and another thing to freak out about if I forgot to take them.
Long story short, I don't use anymore SSRI's, no benzo's, no more atypical antipsychotics for sleep, no more out of control poly-substance abuse just to feel half-way able to handle being around other people. I have not used any other illegal or legal drug in months now.
The reason - medicinal cannabis. More specifically, understanding and harnessing concentrates, minimizing time spent stuck to the bong and kicking combustion, ditching plant material in my oils and learning the benefits of different modes of concentrate consumption.
I am more and more moving away from flowers, yesterday I had a single .2g bowl of THC Bomb flowers in my Crafty. Everything else was THC Bomb QWISO wax either on the oil pad in my Mighty at 210c for super tasty, functional daytime effect or pristine winterized Northern Lights/THC Bomb/Blue Cheese QWISO absolute shatter bhombs on my PukinBeagle/Dnail/Pyrology setup with small hits every now and then of Omega Labs Deadhead OG CBD oil on my Minicron with KISS Globes to take the edge off all that THC.
Probably about .25g of oils yesterday in total. I find that it is more functional for me to avoid the consumption of flowers and to use moderate microdoses of vaporized concentrates instead. I only use waxes at lower temps in my Mighty because I find that this cooler 210c convection arrangement (almost half the 345c that I dab at!) mitigates the harshness and congestion one experiences after dabbing wax rather than dewaxed pristine absolutes, which I can even dab in a dry piece without harshness. I only ever use the clearest, lightest coloured waxes/shatters. I absolutely do not dab anything but top notch dewaxed absolute shatters. Plant material is forbidden in my dabs as I find the somnolent effects of their high temp vapours counterproductive.
Dabbing/vaping is epic for those of us who experience panic attacks and anxiety. Faster acting than the fastest of benzos (kiss that xanax goodbye from your panic attack emergency stash!). I do not use edibles as I find them not very well suited to my medical needs, too much couchlock due to decarb does not a productive scientist make!
To the above poster and anyone else who has problems with depression/anxiety: Please check out concentrates and please incorporate CBD into any medical cannabis treatment schedule - it really does change the game completely!
My eating disorder is in remission, I maintain a healthy weight even when work dictates that I can't leave the house for long periods at a time. I don't self-harm with drug and exercise related purge behaviours and I never deliberately starve myself anymore. I may not be completely comfortable in my body but I am not crippled by this discomfort. I still get my triggers, I still have such trouble buying clothes because I am never satisfied with how I look, but if that's the worst I have, I can live with it.
My depressive illness will always need constant work to stave off that constant depressive undertone which is the perfect precursor to dangerous double-depressions - I too have had the same lifelong depressive illness - but I'm functioning better than I ever have in my adult life right now!
I take care of my needs before they are a problem now rather than just being held hostage by one stressful event after another due to a constant pathological sense of hopelessness and inability to cope with stress! My anxiety can come back here and there, but relief from this is only ever an inhale and a few minutes away
Things can get better guys, but this all happened alongside me making drastic changes to my life in other areas.
I have learned (perhaps obviously enough) that I know my symptoms better than other people do. I do not let other people tell me how far to push myself. I know that shit much better than they do. I am always ambitious still, but I will only work on a basis that works with my illness, and I won't take no for an answer when it comes to asking employers to make adjustments for the sake of my health. At the end of the day if I'm gonna make you rich, you're gonna make sure I'm fed, clothed, sheltered, happy and healthy.
I am so fortunate to live somewhere and have the skills/position to be able to do this, I know so many people who suffer from the same illnesses that can't make any of the changes they sorely need to stressors in their lives because they're wage slaves working day-in, day-out for sweet fuck all.
Unfortunately, those of us who suffer with depression and other mental illnesses are especially vulnerable to dead-end jobs and the kind of exploitative employers who take advantage of the self-destructive apathy that keeps us stuck in these for years and decades and lifetimes.
My goal as I get healthier is to develop a way to offer flexible and gainful (Read: WELL PAID WITHOUT THIRD PARTIES TAKING A PIECE OF THE PIE!) employment to the mentally ill, as well as to advocate for proper accomodations to be made around the world for people living with these symptoms.
Also to advocate for free public mental healthcare as a human right, which must be offered to those who can't afford it as a top priority - as this is where the most need usually is! When we're at our worst mentally, we are usually at our least capable to pay for treatment.
Finally, as a postscript: Like any other medicine, if you find a strain is providing a less than positive experience - please do not persist with it - try something else! Some terp profiles are more useful for those with conditions like ours than others.
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