The Thread For People Still In Love With His/Her Ex

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

It's been over 5 years since my ex-wife left me, or has agreed to communicate with me in any way.

I know she's moved on. I know she's not coming back. But I'm here waiting, regardless.

I would listen to anything she had to tell me, even if nothing but bad news from the stars. I just want to talk to her.

She was right to leave me. Her life has improved dramatically since leaving me. But I'm here waiting, regardless.

I'm so fucking lost. And getting worse every day.

Any thoughts?

If not, I'll just go back to the song I've been listening to the past few hours.

 

[capcoho]

Sorry to hear.
Abstinence of alcohol would be the first start imo! Impossible to get mentally better when constantly depressing the mind with booze. It's tough to NOT feel shitty if you wake up hungover every day. Reading enough of your posts tells me as an individual you should not be drinking at all period.

Expressing your thoughts, even through this forum should be therapeutic as well.

Probably heard it before but vigorous exercise is great for feeling great even though it burns and hurts when you first start doing it. Watching yourself get stronger mentally and physically is very rewarding.

Good luck and people are listening.

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Abstinence of alcohol would be the first start imo!

Uh... what do you mean?

 

[wax]

He/she means stop drinking before your liver stops for you.

 

[RUDE BOY]

EDA I feel ya as i've one of them ex's myself, always on my mind but ain't seen her for 22 years and we ain't touched in 25.

No answer on how 'not to feel' from me but gotta say i agree with @capcoho on the 'can't live in the bottle' idea. For me the more I drank to forget the more I HAD to drink and never fucking forgot a thing(except my part in our breakup) and just dwelt on the past and what in my mind 'should have been' more and more.

I know she was better off without my drunk junkie ass dragging her down but still somehow wish that wasn't true.

I've had a couple of relationships since but still She's the one I think/dream of so so-far they've all been doomed from the start.
Most of us don't ever find that perfect endless love with our soul-mate, it's a pipe dream never realized anywhere but in our minds eye and imagination.

Write about it my friend, make it art. Get out the angst, make it a screen play or short story, song or poem.

(making endless playlists that remind you of her whilst drunk and drinking may not help much)




Edit; I know the above post isn't very fluid or helpful but ...

 

[Slow Draw McGraw]

I am the opposite, I am glad to not have feelings for my ex and am glad I have no contact with her. That was 5 years ago. Im in a much better place. Granted i did not feel this way right after the break up but I was not thinking clearly.

Relationships are hard and when some come to an end it can feel like a death occurred.

Be strong, find happiness. Let go of the bottle. That is step one.
Im not the wisest person but I do have a decent outlook on life. It gets better if you want it to.

 

[howie105]

Everything ends. I have been through one marriage already and now my second wife is at her end so one just has to accept reality for what it is on some things.

 

[Snappo]

One of the major reasons that she lingers in your thoughts, emotions, and dreams all these years may very well be unresolved issues between you and yourself and you and your ex. Forgiveness and understanding for both of you is key to freeing you from the closed emotional AND maturational loop you're stuck in. I'm hopeful that for you the haunting will eventually fade to clear with time.

 

[DieHard]

Maybe it will help to use my method:
Forget that one. There are plenty of others out there. It is her loss. Find one that looks just like her but acts different.
Don't waste your precious days pining away for someone who doesn't want you. I got the best closure for my situation. My ex had 2 kids that I helped raise. She left to be with some drug dealer. She tried to contact me through text messages but my replies were always one word. Years later I saw her while I was working. I have a fantastic job now. I also had Gastric Bypass surgery and lost 150 lbs! The day I saw her, the whole family was there with her, kids and all. They ran over and hugged me. And the bitch and her moms' jaws just hit the floor when the say the new me. I also casually showed her pics of my new fiancé (20 yrs younger than me). Oh sweet revenge!

 

[Snappo]

Maybe it will help to use my method:
Forget that one. There are plenty of others out there. It is her loss. Find one that looks just like her but acts different.
Don't waste your precious days pining away for someone who doesn't want you. I got the best closure for my situation. My ex had 2 kids that I helped raise. She left to be with some drug dealer. She tried to contact me through text messages but my replies were always one word. Years later I saw her while I was working. I have a fantastic job now. I also had Gastric Bypass surgery and lost 150 lbs! The day I saw her, the whole family was there with her, kids and all. They ran over and hugged me. And the bitch and her moms' jaws just hit the floor when the say the new me. I also casually showed her pics of my new fiancé (20 yrs younger than me). Oh sweet revenge!

I respectfully must disagree ...Revenge and resentment is definitely not the answer!!! It's like continually taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Move on and reflect with a different perspective every now and then ...but not too often. BTW: I was best man to my first ex's wedding ...why not?!!! She, along with my 2nd ex haunted me for a long while also, but I fought it along with the aid of time. They have both wanted me back and still do to this day. I feel no gratification from that at all. Still, I remain their faithful loyal friend forever, but am grateful for the way things turned out, and realize most fully that it didn't work because no matter what it simply couldn't because of who and what we were and are and will yet become. I am most comfortable with that.

 

[Slow Draw McGraw]

I respectfully must disagree ...Revenge and resentment is definitely not the answer!!! It's like continually taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Move on and reflect with a different perspective every now and then ...but not too often. BTW: I was best man to my first ex's wedding ...why not?!!! She, along with my 2nd ex haunted me for a long while also, but I fought it along with the aid of time. They have both wanted me back and still do to this day. I feel no gratification from that at all. Still, I remain their faithful loyal friend forever, but am grateful for the way things turned out, and realize most fully that it didn't work because no matter what it simply couldn't because of who and what we were and are and will yet become. I am most comfortable with that.

THIS. YES.

 

[DieHard]

Not real revenge mind you. Really just closure that helped me move on. I can never be her friend, although we were the best of friends. There was just too much hurt. I just wanted her to see what she missed out on. My fiancé and I now have a great relationship and I never look back anymore.

 

[howie105]

One of the major reasons that she lingers in your thoughts, emotions, and dreams all these years may very well be unresolved issues between you and yourself and you and your ex. Forgiveness and understanding for both of you is key to freeing you from the closed emotional AND maturational loop you're stuck in. I'm hopeful that for you the haunting will eventually fade to clear with time.

Hell no, my first ex was a fucking nightmare and I celebrated he ass going down the road with song. Hit the road Jack came to mind. My second Wife is another story and I will long for her to my last day.

 

[Snappo]

Hell no, my first ex was a fucking nightmare and I celebrated he ass going down the road with song. Hit the road Jack came to mind. My second Wife is another story and I will long for her to my last day.

In this regard I can agree: as long as you're not holding on to any pain and wasteful memories, I suppose there's nothing very wrong with singing her nightmarish arse down the road.

 

[Eschient]

I had one of those literal love at first sight, whirlwind kind of things that I had never, ever thought possible. I pined away for most of the last 15 years after it ended, and that's pretty embarrassing. I know that neither of us even resemble the people we were back then, we've both long since moved on, but I still hold a sacred place in my heart for him and a connection that doesn't seem to fade. It might seem kinda , but he's almost become like my spirit guide. When I'm at the end of my rope he always seems to pop up in my dreams, never with any specific answers or advice, but something about his presence haunts me and makes me sit back and take stock like nothing else.

Last year I finally understood, in my heart, why he left. I understood what had really happened and saw a lot of things from his point of view. It broke my heart all over again, but it changed that love I had been clinging to from something desperate and sad and haunted into something peaceful and solid. I love him even more because I can see myself though his eyes and his heart now.

It's like that relationship was an anchor point to myself. As long I left that point anchored to the end of the relationship or the downfall of it, it was always going to be a low point in my life and a reminder of what I lost. When I moved it to the beginning, where things were healthy and magical, it became a high point in my life where I could remember what I was like and what it felt like to be open and fearless and wholly myself.

For all the pain, I would still do it again because I realize now that that relationship, he, is still giving back to me. That connection we had is still serving to make me stronger now that I decided to stop using it as proof of how I'm so perpetually messed up that my fear-tainted, depression-addled brain can drive away something as supposedly eternal as a soul-mate. It hasn't. He may have physically left, for all I know he hasn't given me so much as a passing thought in the last decade, but that connection is still there in my heart.

When he left I consoled myself, rather bitterly, with the idea that just because you're soul-mates doesn't mean you can stay together. Now I think I understand that you don't have to stay together to be soul-mates. I mean, we do call them soul-mates, not flesh-mates or life-mates or eternal-companions. They're meant to do something less mundane than keeping us company for our whole life, IMHO.

 

[Snappo]

I had one of those literal love at first sight, whirlwind kind of things that I had never, ever thought possible. I pined away for most of the last 15 years after it ended, and that's pretty embarrassing. I know that neither of us even resemble the people we were back then, we've both long since moved on, but I still hold a sacred place in my heart for him and a connection that doesn't seem to fade. It might seem kinda , but he's almost become like my spirit guide. When I'm at the end of my rope he always seems to pop up in my dreams, never with any specific answers or advice, but something about his presence haunts me and makes me sit back and take stock like nothing else.

Last year I finally understood, in my heart, why he left. I understood what had really happened and saw a lot of things from his point of view. It broke my heart all over again, but it changed that love I had been clinging to from something desperate and sad and haunted into something peaceful and solid. I love him even more because I can see myself though his eyes and his heart now.

It's like that relationship was an anchor point to myself. As long I left that point anchored to the end of the relationship or the downfall of it, it was always going to be a low point in my life and a reminder of what I lost. When I moved it to the beginning, where things were healthy and magical, it became a high point in my life where I could remember what I was like and what it felt like to be open and fearless and wholly myself.

For all the pain, I would still do it again because I realize now that that relationship, he, is still giving back to me. That connection we had is still serving to make me stronger now that I decided to stop using it as proof of how I'm so perpetually messed up that my fear-tainted, depression-addled brain can drive away something as supposedly eternal as a soul-mate. It hasn't. He may have physically left, for all I know he hasn't given me so much as a passing thought in the last decade, but that connection is still there in my heart.

When he left I consoled myself, rather bitterly, with the idea that just because you're soul-mates doesn't mean you can stay together. Now I think I understand that you don't have to stay together to be soul-mates. I mean, we do call them soul-mates, not flesh-mates or life-mates or eternal-companions. They're meant to do something less mundane than keeping us company for our whole life, IMHO.

Brilliant insight! Perspective... Thank you!

 

[photobooth]

I had one of those literal love at first sight, whirlwind kind of things that I had never, ever thought possible. I pined away for most of the last 15 years after it ended, and that's pretty embarrassing. I know that neither of us even resemble the people we were back then, we've both long since moved on, but I still hold a sacred place in my heart for him and a connection that doesn't seem to fade. It might seem kinda , but he's almost become like my spirit guide. When I'm at the end of my rope he always seems to pop up in my dreams, never with any specific answers or advice, but something about his presence haunts me and makes me sit back and take stock like nothing else.

Last year I finally understood, in my heart, why he left. I understood what had really happened and saw a lot of things from his point of view. It broke my heart all over again, but it changed that love I had been clinging to from something desperate and sad and haunted into something peaceful and solid. I love him even more because I can see myself though his eyes and his heart now.

It's like that relationship was an anchor point to myself. As long I left that point anchored to the end of the relationship or the downfall of it, it was always going to be a low point in my life and a reminder of what I lost. When I moved it to the beginning, where things were healthy and magical, it became a high point in my life where I could remember what I was like and what it felt like to be open and fearless and wholly myself.

For all the pain, I would still do it again because I realize now that that relationship, he, is still giving back to me. That connection we had is still serving to make me stronger now that I decided to stop using it as proof of how I'm so perpetually messed up that my fear-tainted, depression-addled brain can drive away something as supposedly eternal as a soul-mate. It hasn't. He may have physically left, for all I know he hasn't given me so much as a passing thought in the last decade, but that connection is still there in my heart.

When he left I consoled myself, rather bitterly, with the idea that just because you're soul-mates doesn't mean you can stay together. Now I think I understand that you don't have to stay together to be soul-mates. I mean, we do call them soul-mates, not flesh-mates or life-mates or eternal-companions. They're meant to do something less mundane than keeping us company for our whole life, IMHO.

Love this, a lot of great insight and very well put. When I was having a hard time getting over a very long relationship, I found this post on Reddit that really helped and gave me a better perspective on things. Please excuse my direct plagiarism:
"Assuming you were in a fairly fulfilling relationship that lasted more than just a few months (otherwise you wouldn't care about getting over them), you need to lose the assumption that you will be able to completely get over them. You never will. The time that you spent with them contributed to who you are today and you should never be ashamed of that.

What you will do is learn to live with the idea that what you had was great while it lasted but now it is time to move on. Like a day at Disneyland, it was fun and you wish you didn't have to leave but the reality is, you were not able to stay. So you walk out those gates with a smile on your face and the knowledge that one day, you'll return again. It may not be the same place, but you know what you are looking for and you won't settle for anything less.

Yes it will hurt and you will want that to end. It will. But, as cheesy as it sounds, the pain is the proof that what you had was worth it. If it didn't hurt, the relationship would not have been good enough. It's the price we pay.

So, remember the good times and smile. Reflect on the bad and think of what you'll do different next time. Then take a walk and get some sun. Read some poetry or write some of your own (even if it's shitty, who cares?! It's just for you). When the thoughts come back embrace them, cry and start the process over. Every time you do this the pain will lessen until you realise that, while you will not get over them, you will be ok. You'll realise that you are strong, important and worth it.

And yeah, everything that everyone else said too!

EDIT: Totally wasn't expecting this to go best-of. Thanks for making that happen and whoever sent the gold!

Also, aside from fixing a couple of errors, I also wanted to define what I mean by not being able to get over someone. Often, when someone is in the middle of the emotional turmoil following a breakup, every memory brings pain and it feels like the only option is to try to either totally forget about the other person or stop caring altogether and we call that 'getting over someone'. On the other hand, if we define "getting over someone" as being able to find the balance between the memory of what was without the longing to go back there and the emotional need to have that person again, then yes. It is not only possible but also healthy to get over old relationships. I worded myself as I did because, generally speaking, when someone has just endured a painful breakup and say they want to "get over them", they usually mean the former. They want to forget everything or stop caring because the memories cause pain whereas it's only in the acceptance that what we had was was worth the effort (and the pain) that we are able to move on.
"

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Wow. Some really, really, REALLY good stuff here, FC brothers and sisters.

I knew I could count on y'all to provide some insight on this.

I'm pretty much at a loss for words, but you have given me plenty to think about.

I thank you all for your responses.

 

[paytonpenn]

I don't know what they're talking about that song is amazing.

 

[basement farmer]

This discussion reminded me that I once loved and cared for my ex up to and thru the first five months of our six month divorce waiting period. It was her idea and not something that I saw coming or would've expected....she just had her reasons and that was that. Me, I would've done anything to save our marriage. It wasn't up to me though.

Having lived thru it, I can empathize with you. The sense of aloneness, loss and feelings of doubt, failure and self loathing. It trully was one of the darkest periods of my life and I'm still licking wounds from it.

But the deal is, you are the only on making yourself miserable.

For me, looking at it as a new beginning instead of the end of an old life was the epiphany that got me thru towards the other side. I'm not thru the door yet but I'm getting closer.

 

[grokit]

Love Stinks, because it Hurts So Good

 

[ChippyMalone]

Now, after ten years married to the love of my life, I do not forget or devalue the relationships I have had in the past. And there is one who I am still connected to by a slender thread that will never break. We taught each other how to love and be loved, and both of us know that it wasn't meant to be forever but that it was meant to be.

But this shit takes time to work through the brain, that's for damn sure.

 

[madnezz344]

8 years this valentines
bitch broke my heart
every year i got a new broad
for every year she faded away so far away she is out of reach
i can't help but reflect on her randomly every now and then
i know she misses me because strangly enough a few years into the loss
she messaged me and let me know when she left the state
i cold heartly never replied so much pain
my outlet for this thorn on my side was writing
i took up biking hiking painting and thus my oh my i found comfort
in the bosom of every other gals company
fading into each and every new gals eyes
yet i do think of that one that broke me down
my friends who knew her and me have shown me pictures of her and her new family
i smiled and laughed. She found a fool who looks just like me
these thoughts of our exs may only haunt us day by day if we let it
but let it just be a reminder of happines can always come again and in much better company
im currently with someone and feel better about myself
yet the dumb thought sometimes hits me to the coldness my exs ways
my advice is paint a picture be it mentaly or physically
then see it that it isthe expression you feelt over that person
look at it. Load your vape and destroy the fuck out of it

That or just vape away to happiness

 

[Mr. Whitewall]

Well I'm kinda new here but +1 to all that's been said, negativity won't get you anywhere.Nothing is forever, everything changes constantly and sometimes we are too small to see the whole picture.

My experience isn't too different from what has already been said, she was the love of my life but it wasn't meant to last. I also cling on to memories in the same way as many of you do (but will REALLY take that Disney world analogy @photobooth talks about in account tho!).

Go out on a walk (or regular, short walks) to clear your head; no need to think about anything or go anywhere in particular just move on physically, to help you move on mentally. I find a get a new perspective on things when I 'let them go' a bit.
Even cry a little if you feel the need, but most importantly forgive yourself: you are no better or worse than anybody else so no need to , accept your are liable to doubt, failure, etc, ITS NORMAL...
I am not religious in any 'orthodox' way, but apparently somewhere in the Bible it says: 'those who did nothing turned into nothing'.
I believe we are all connected: find your place (ofc this is the hard bit, getting out your comfort/discomfort zone and doing stuff that may hurt again... I'm battling there myself ).

Believe me I have made really stupid mistakes that I regret to this day, but I accept that and the share of on my plate; everyone makes them, it's how we come off of it that matters IMO, what really makes us stronger mentally.
Are you familiar with the Desiderata poem? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata
I think he couldn't have put it better.

There's a Jewish joke I read in the paper the other day: it's about a man that prayed fervently every day to win the lotto. One day, God came down and said: 'I have heard your prayers my son and will let you win the 1st prize... But you gotta play first dammit!!'.

So yes, I think you have to invest yourself to get something. I also think it is important to love oneself (in a non-narcissistic way ofc) in order to able to love and be loved by others.
Bottom line, accept yourself and your uniqueness, there's only one EDA, the one you 'make' everyday.

Btw, have you tried meditation?? A friend of mine recently diagnosed with ADHD has had great results; he's a lot calmer and more focused, even started FCing on his own...

(Don't know if I am making any sense at all , its the curse of my own personal disorder (dyspraxia) plus it is 3AM (no, 4AM now ) another side effect.. AND I'm not vaped enough...)

And it was supposed to be a short one...'Oh look, another massive wall of text!'