Prayers, Karma, Cosmic Vibes... accepted inside

[BigDaddyVapor]

We're in a voluntary, somewhat forced separation right now. We will also be required to attend family counseling and anger management.

Me? I think its a good thing. We need it. My wife? Her perception (excuse me. what she has voiced, I know there's a difference), is I've fucked us over, its all my fault and I'm going to pay penance.

Well, I'm out of my week-long, bio-med funk, whatever phase. My BP is back to normal and I can think rationally and under control. The blame game, isn't going over very well, especially when I've been busting my ass, past my physical limit (esp during a week period of out-of-control BP), to do right by us. Worked 15 hours today, just to make the house acceptable for CPS whenever, they come.

 

[BigDaddyVapor]

SSDI denied me this week. The judge's reasoning, was that he didn't find me credible, because the medical community hasn't found out what is causing my vertigo, mood swings and visual disturbances. They (doctors) confirm and agree with me, that I'm experencing them, but because they can't say its, "THIS"... its just random complaints from me, w/o any medical backing. Even though the state appointed employment specialist, told the judge that given my medical conditions, I am not qualified for anything.... the judge felt he knew better.

Moral of story: If you're younger than 50, don't bother. Unless you have a learning disability... then its cool.

Pretty much beyond screwed, with this news. Wouldn't have been a big deal, if I had my crop to make up for it, but since I lost that... don't know what I will do. Wife is talking about divorce. Far as I'm concerned... if a spouse finds out the other has a medical/chemical screw-up and is actively seeking answers, give them a fucking break and stand by them. Be understanding of the difficulties, that person is facing, discovering just one more fucking thing wrong with them. I guess my wife believes in cut-n-run. We'll see, if she's serious over the next week or so.

 

[t-dub]

We are with you BDV . . . When the negative energy comes at you, instead of meeting it head on with force, try adsorption and redirection. Bend like a reed in the wind . . . it is time for you to find your center. The eye of the hurricane. Here you will be safe, but there is no bullshit, just you and reality exist here. I don't know what vows the two of you took when you made your nuptials, but if it was the whole sicker, poorer, for life thing then, yes, there are some interesting times ahead. White light and prayers to you BDV.

 

[BigDaddyVapor]

Yes, I stood before God and said, in sickness and health, for better or worse...

While some may not understand/empathize, I take oaths seriously. I still honor my military oath and I've been out for 20 years. They don't come with a damn expiration date, until death. Its hard to put that into words/writing... but without that part of me, that takes oaths/promises... HONOR, seriously... I'm not me.

 

[Vicki]

Yes, I stood before God and said, in sickness and health, for better or worse...

While some may not understand/empathize, I take oaths seriously. I still honor my military oath and I've been out for 20 years. They don't come with a damn expiration date, until death. Its hard to put that into words/writing... but without that part of me, that takes oaths/promises... HONOR, seriously... I'm not me.

This is my husband, exactly!! You are a good man, BDV. I wish there were more men in the world like you.

 

[momofthegoons]

It's amazing how close you can feel with certain members here on the forum; the connection you can form, isn't it? As I read the last four posts, I got sort of verklempt at the level of caring shown.

I could sit here and pretend I understand what you are going through BDV; give condolences and my take on the situation. But I can't. I don't know the players and I wasn't there. So, instead I just feel sad. Sad that a man who obviously loves his wife and a man who takes oaths seriously is struggling so much. My only hope is that your wife will be able to see the real you more clearly with a little time.

I also send white light. And a little trick that was shared with me by a very wise friend. Think positive thoughts about this situation. Think about how you want this to resolve. And send those thoughts to your wife. Quickly enclose her in mirrors, facing in to her. The hope is that, surrounded by reflections of herself and the white light of truth, that truth will prevail.

I am so sorry BDV. These are true life tests you are going through. I wish you only the best.

 

[BigDaddyVapor]

The only reason I'm still here, is the faith that it will get better.

I can't give up. Its not my nature.

 

[momofthegoons]

^^^^
Atta boy!!! That's what I'm talking about!

 

[sunsett70]

I can't give up. Its not my nature.

sorry about the asshole judge, dude. Think we all will be tested in this life, a question of when and how, seems like this is now your 'testing' ground.

And you seem an honourable man, though i have to say some oaths were taken together and would have meaning only when it means something to both parties. you can only do so much by yourself.

i can't say i understand what u are going through because that would trivialize your issues, but i hope 'not giving up' does not mean you have to be 'fighting' all the time. hope there will be days when you can step just back/aside & look at things from afar and take a few deep breaths. keep your head up, bro!

p/s - pls remember to eat well (plenty of fresh vege + fruits) and plenty water for hydration & cleansing. also, some exercise (http://briankim.net/blog/2006/08/why-every-man-should-lift-weights/).

 

[BigDaddyVapor]

Hey, I wanted to share some good news. My wife and I are trying. She's back, we're trying to communicate with each other's feelings in mind. Heck, I even got a little nookie (TMI), because she wanted to break the "awkwardness".

It worked.

Hopefully, we can get a good counseling situation and work even more out.

 

[Vicki]

Hey, I wanted to share some good news. My wife and I are trying. She's back, we're trying to communicate with each other's feelings in mind. Heck, I even got a little nookie (TMI), because she wanted to break the "awkwardness".

It worked.

Hopefully, we can get a good counseling situation and work even more out.

So glad to hear this, BDV!! Things are already starting to get better for you.

Wasn't TMI because you spared us the details!

 

[momofthegoons]

And no video...thank God!

 

[BigDaddyVapor]

You sure you all don't want more details?

Here, the Readers' Digest version.

First it was kind of dicey and on edge

Then we realized we had much to fight FOR not against

She's always had the jugs.

She knows they're effective

A man's gotta do his duty

Oh yeah, baby

That's my story and I'm sticking to it

 

[t-dub]

Watch that blood pressure BDV . . . Glad things are going in the right direction.

 

[BigDaddyVapor]

Pardon my French, but @#$%!!! I'm trying to keep my chin up, but I needed these plants in a lot better condition and further along than this. I do feel lucky I have this left (this was 24 plants originally). This is what they look like, directly after coming back from my father-in-law's house. That big plant in the middle, is strawberry cough. Its leaves were @#$%ing PALM LEAVES. Thing was solid as an evergreen.

And my plan for dropping them back into veg? The 4 largest, already have small marble-sized buds on them. I could do it, but that's going to take probably 3 weeks, for them to drop those buds, go back into veg... and then back into flower. As stressed as they are, I don't know if I can pull that off. Going to start them on a strong regimen of Super Thrive. I had the CO2 bag, so decided to hang it in there, to give them a little boost. Wasn't my ideal option, but they're not leaving that damn shower. Not this crop. They are NOT going to infest my grow room (on other side of house... which also has ALL vents duct taped off).

We are dead broke. Gas and milk are our two primary concerns. Late on cars, phone, cable and electric. Man, this is going to be rough. I would have reaped at least 2 grand off the 4, easy. If I can't eradicate every trace of the mites, I'm super-@#$%ed when I try to sell. I have my own 60x-100x scope... they're obvious little suckers. Last night and tonight, I've made some big headway with eradicating them... now hopefully it holds and they're not too stressed (which they really look stressed the @#$% out). This is why I pulled out of my father-in-law's house in the first place (beside the fact he's got a BIG @#$%ing mouth and can't grow for @#$%)... this is what happened to my last go at Afgoo, at his house.

These gals were mine and looked it, with all the loving attention they got.

This is what my babies used to look like, about a week before the 4 largest went into flower and about a week after that, going from this...

To this...

 

[Vicki]

That sucks, BDV. I'll pray that you can save those poor little plants.

 

[momofthegoons]

ugh...... I can't imagine how you felt when you first saw those...

Keep your chin up BigDaddy. This is one of those times where you have to figure out if your glass is half empty or half full.

 

[BigDaddyVapor]

They're already looking better. I can save them, they're just going to be very low output. I moved the smaller ones out and have them on 24 hour light. I've got some Afgoo seeds, so am going to plant them later today. Hopefully I'll get decent $$$. I'm going to squeeze what hash out of them also, and hash moves out here and good return on extra work.

I'll take it to another than my usual co-op (most of them pay more anyway) and maximize what I can get... its just time is NOT on my side, right now. But whatever happens with some of the other stuff (repo car or something), long as I'm still kicking, I'm KICKING.