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Im a chronic masturbator. Are you? lets talk about it.

Discussion in 'ABV' started by dorkus_molorkus, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. dorkus_molorkus

    dorkus_molorkus Well-Known Member

    Anyone else here a chronic masturbator?

    Seeing as we have a thread for masturbation accessories

    & I need a new thread to lurk in. I thought I would admit to being a chronic masturbator & encourage all from both sexes to ‘tell their stories’. I thought some of your more salacious tales might help give me some inspiration for some of my many daily 5 knuckle shuffles. (that’s not weird is it?)

    Ladies, it would be even more helpful if you could provide some sort of a pic of you pleasuring yourselves? And guys perhaps a pic of yr missus, sister or mum?
    (again, surely im not crossing any sort of boundary yet?)

    Anyhoo, I will go 1st to help alleviate anyone hesitant to share.

    I think the first time I ‘rubbed one out’ I was still in the womb. My mum said there was a rush of ‘water’ and some sort of discharge before I was born.
    I gotta say, based on my adult form. It certainly sounds like me.

    Now considering, the most sensitive part of me when im ‘bopping the banana’ is my ears.

    Hence, I have only ever been caught at it once.
    By my Mum….
    I was discovered at a critical moment and lets just say I could tell she was not happy.

    Her yelling ‘how do I get this goop outta my fucking hair?!’ was the clue.
    Closely followed by, ‘how the fuck did you get it on the ceiling?’

    Then there was Grover from sesame street. When I was 3 yrs old no-one could get me choking the chicken faster than Grover waving his arms around like an epileptic sock puppet. In that instance I would be done before the pinball could reveal todays number was ‘7’.

    I was given swimming lessons when I was 5.
    But, I found just trying to learn breaststroke was so alluring that I couldn’t do it with only one hand swimming and the other ‘on the keel’.

    I nearly fucking drowned.

    School was difficult, until the hair gel craze of the 80’s kicked in. I suddenly was very popular amongst my peers. I made a small fortune selling ‘hair gel’ by the handful. My customers appreciated the small touches, like receiving it pre-warmed and ready to use & also how I would help apply it by delivering it directly by wiping it onto the required area

    I often looked out of place living in the tropics and getting around in a trench coat. but when the local dept store changed the clothes on the mannequins, it was all worth it.
    I especially looked forward to the yearly Christmas nativity scene. ‘Christmas.’ Fuck I said it. Ive gone too far now? Havent I?

    Sorry I meant ‘Happy Holiday,' non denominational barnyard scene. (as usual I always go too far)

    I would cut the bottoms outta my pockets and I would stand there all day just licking the store window and lusting over the plastic sheep that was giving me ‘the sexy eyes’ situated next to Hey Zeus.

    At work, I once had a much disliked manager that often left his coffee cup lying about & I used to arrive at work early a good 30 mins before anyone else.

    He really liked his coffee & that made me very happy for some reason………….

    Well that’s prolly enough about me for now.
    Feel free to post yr own experiences here & maybe we can support each other in the difficulties of being unable to keep ones hands outta ones pants.

    For example, my Mum said keep it up & I would go blind. I always said I would quit once I needed glasses.
    "Fappy" my new guide dog arrives next week.

    *disclaimer- not all of this is true. But I will leave it up to you to establish fact from fiction.

    ***He really, really liked his coffee.
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  2. FlyingLow

    FlyingLow Team NO SLEEP!

    dorkus you never disappoint!
  3. gaseous_clay

    gaseous_clay Well-Known Member

    You can have the masturbation. I'll take the chronic.
  4. Slow Draw McGraw

    Slow Draw McGraw Sticky Brick Labs Company Rep

    I'm a chronic master debater! Does that count?!!
  5. smokum

    smokum I am who I am and your approval isn't needed!

    WoW :o I'm left speechless even IF I'd expect no less from the dork'man :freak:
  6. MinnBobber

    MinnBobber Well-Known Member

    that depends on your definition of chronic masturbator,

    would say chronic is more than 5 times a day or less ???? ;)

    P.S. did your boss like extra cream in his coffee??
  7. syrupy

    syrupy Authorized Buyer

    The part that bothers me the most is naming a dog Fappy.
    nondarb, lwien, RUDE BOY and 4 others like this.
  8. Poostuff

    Poostuff Well-Known Member

    My boss told me that it's illegal to masturbate in public toilets, now of course I don't trust that chick so I was wondering if anyone could confirm this.
    I know I can't smoke in there anymore because they put up signs telling everyone. It's obvious. So if all of a sudden I can't masturbate in there anymore wouldn't they also put up signs? It doesn't make sense to me I swear she just makes this stuff up.
  9. Derrrpp

    Derrrpp For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky

    Hello, my name is Derrrpp, and I'm a chronic masturbator...

  10. dorkus_molorkus

    dorkus_molorkus Well-Known Member

    Id say chronic would be 3 a day or more? I try to take the weekends off outta respect for mrs D.
    (she gets really upset to wake up with her eyes glued shut.) But I 'pull' a double shift on Monday and Tuesday. Its a massive load, but its well worth it to spend quality time with the missus.

    P.S. did your boss like extra cream in his coffee??

    Now I dont know what sort of sick fucker you are but thats disgusting.

    No, I just smeared it on the rim once in the morning, most mornings at that. Seeing him drink several cups a day just happened to put a smile on my face is all.

    Well its not all shits and giggles lemme tell you. I was trying to spice things up a bit whilst I was practising for the 5 knuckle shuffle tournament and I smeared some peanut butter on my balls for 'Fappy'.
    (I thought it would help us bond) well fuck me I used crunchy peanut butter instead of the smooth kind and the fucker bit me on the balls.

    As punishment, I instantly gave him a biscuit.
    Why you ask? So, I knew which end to kick the fucker in the balls.
    Oh, and I had all his teeth pulled and I got some smooth PB as well.:tup:

    whaaaa?? I always thought thats what the sign with the 2 hands above the soap meant? Lube up and go for it??

    Fuck, thats a blow...............
    Well I know from 1st hand (rofl) experience that its illegal to masturbate outside of public toilets!
    But yet its ok to put yr todger thru the hole in the wall of the cubicle and let Stu do it? (its only illegal if he charges you for it)

    @Stu this is yr area of expertise. when you got arrested what was the charge again?
    I know you got done for DWF- 'driving while Fapping' but that time in that whorehouse in tijuana with you, the donkey and the circus midget? Wasnt the midget upset that his hands were too big when you asked for a handjob?

    and then theres those peeps on the street corners asking for donations and stuff for cancer and shit. Just put it in the tin they say. Well apparently thats illegal as well.

    Go figure?:mental:

    Welcome derrrpp, you will find there is no judgement here. only love and support.
    We just need to get some of the paperwork out of the way.
    Where is that pic of yr mum, sister or spouse?

    Anyhoo, I just found this old footage of my Dad. My mum said she never slept with him or anything, she just got in the hot tub right after he got out at a Motel 6 sometime in the 70's.

    9 months later I 'came' along.
    She tracked him down in Hong Kong at the 'Fist of Fury' Masturbation championship in 1978 when I was 7.

    He just looked at my palms and my trenchcoat and said 'I guess the apple doesnt fall far from the tree'

    then his eyes glazed over a bit , he let out a small groan, pulled his hand out form under his coat and then lovingly tussled my hair with his hand.

    That was the last time I saw him.
    He went on to win that year, he said it all comes down to practise, practise, practise

    without further ado, my dad Harry

    Click to play YouTube Video
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2016
  11. MinnBobber

    MinnBobber Well-Known Member

    I realize you're in a hurry and need to get back to "chockin the chicken" but please pay more attention to your spelling so I don't need to correct your typos...thanks

    You accidentally said you'd pull a double shift on Monday, instead of you'd pull a double shaft.

    Carry on....
  12. BabyFacedFinster

    BabyFacedFinster Capo di tutt'i capi

    I am offended by this thread. I will now sue and try to make some money.
  13. FlyingLow

    FlyingLow Team NO SLEEP!

    I was epically offended last night....

    ...my hand fell asleep while I was making sweet love to it.
  14. mvapes

    mvapes Scratchin' Glass! Accessory Maker

    A sandy garage!
    I believe it becomes more than just an obsessive habit when you start to actually make yourself feel dirty. I think if one can still look in a mirror at themselves its most likely safe to assume your not an addict.

    And by dirty please understand that the material in which one chooses to "yank" it too makes no difference. I an equal opportunist, I try not to judge.

    Also, when we think of some like an "excessive" masturbater do we always assume its a man?
  15. momofthegoons

    momofthegoons vapor accessory addict

  16. Derrrpp

    Derrrpp For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky

    Finally, a place where I can talk about my habit openly and not be dismissed as a "freak". I tried to introduce myself like that at the local AA meeting but they were not nearly as accepting...

    I inherited my masturbation problem from my mom. At least she was able to make some good out of her habit. She's quite the entrepreneur! Here's one product that she came up with years ago. That's actually her in the picture:


    She's "going to town" in the picture there, but thanks to the Portable Masturbation Hut you can't even tell!

    This next one is from her more recent foray into the "personal exercise equipment" industry...


    I wish I could turn my chronic masturbation problem into a profit like my mom did! The only thing I got going for me right now is a very muscular left arm...

    Anyway, that's enough about me for now. Anyone else care to share their experience?
  17. lwien

    lwien Well-Known Member

    Arcadia, California
    At my age, masturbating at all would be considered chronic which means that I am totally off the scale. :ninja:
  18. MinnBobber

    MinnBobber Well-Known Member

    I don't know whether to post this here or in the "Have you slowed down" thread???

    A few years ago I was so good that I could switch hands and gain a stroke ;)
    Now, when switching hands I'm barely able to stay even. :)

    Can I prevent a future degradation to losing a stroke when I switch hands or is that inevitable? :(

    Looking for expert advice
    dorkus_molorkus likes this.
  19. lwien

    lwien Well-Known Member

    Arcadia, California
    You can switch hands?????? :cool:
  20. NickDlow

    NickDlow Log Hog

    Nowa days the right hand is for clicking the mouse/phone. I thought everyone switched up by now!?

    I don't want to say anything about olds dogs....
  21. h3rbalist

    h3rbalist I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too

    Don't beat yourself up ;), that's a legitimate move called the 'Connerly'

    You lay on you arm till it goes numb then it feels like someone else.


    Has this ever happened to you Dorkus?

    Click to play YouTube Video
    dorkus_molorkus likes this.
  22. phattpiggie

    phattpiggie Well-Known Member Accessory Maker

    Click to play YouTube Video
    dorkus_molorkus and RUDE BOY like this.
  23. Harmoniousliving

    Harmoniousliving Well-Known Member

    Hey buddy don't make age stop you from doing things. I don't buy into at my age...or I'm too old for that. Bullshit. If you want to masturbate go for if ! Might be easier then getting a girl at your age huh ;)
  24. lwien

    lwien Well-Known Member

    Arcadia, California
    Guess I didn't quite communicate what "totally off the scale" real means in the context of my post. ;) Sorry for the confusion for in reality, I don't think that there is anything, be it in my physical, psychological or sexual makeup that I would categorize as age appropriate for my age.......(grin).
  25. dorkus_molorkus

    dorkus_molorkus Well-Known Member

    well done on the moving GIF of yr mom and well, the masturbation tent is one sexy bit of kit lemme tell ya.:rockon:

    Ok I think I can answer both of these. switching hands & gaining a stroke is called 'the double knuckle kerfuffle' Now what you need to do is, you need a bit of lube at first until you get the hang of it.
    and with yr 'normal' hand you have to get up to what I call 'ramming speed' (perhaps someone in the corner beating on some sort of a drum might help you time the beating of yr meat? )

    anyhoo, once you have reached optimum ramming speed, you need to time yr second and to grip onto the bottom of the shaft as yr first hand exits offa the top. The hard bit is getting yr second hand up to speed to take over. there is nothing worse than high speed sharp finger nails slicing and dicing yr knob when a double knuckle kerfuffle goes wrong. (perhaps some sort of tape on yr fingernails?)

    get some goggles too while yr at it, and a helmet. I once knocked myself out when I was first attempting this move. Silly me, I leaned right over the top and when I did the shuffle I punched myself in the face with my first hand going fully ramming speed. I woke up with a black eye, what I assume to be a heap of lube on my face and $20 stuffed in my briefs.

    So safety first kids!:tup::tup:

    switching hands can be tricky, but with practise it can be achieved.
    I have found this method to be the most promising in training the non dominant hand Before you know it you will be changing down from 3rd to 2nd like a well seasoned pro.

    Click to play YouTube Video

    Yes, but I just shut my eyes, imagined my mom nude & finished like a true champion.

    Has this ever happened to you?

    wait for it....

    Me either...................
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2016
    grokit, t-dub, SSVUN~YAH and 2 others like this.

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