1. What does SSTB mean? See our glossary of acronyms.

How to deal with humourless cops - very funny.

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by Qbit, May 25, 2010.

  1. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,057
    Location:
    Australia
    From www 27bslash6.com/5pm.html, this is an exchange of emails between a South Australian Police e-crime section cop and the owner of the website, about an issue concerning a joke page where he makes an appeal for money to start a drug trafficking business.

    [​IMG]

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8.12pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Censorship


    Dear Mike,

    Thank you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs. I simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do however understand the importance of censorship. Without an enforced system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced to exercise their own discretion.

    Regards, David.


    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.27am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Censorship


    David, your obvious disrespect for authority doesn't change the fact that soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a criminal offence under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.

    Yours sincerely, Michael Harding


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.44am
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject:Re: Re: Censorship


    Dear Michael,

    Despite your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.

    While not exactly a police officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and constructed a moustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the neighbour's cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered my allergy to cat hair. Dragged to my neighbour's house, my apology through lips the size of bananas came out as "Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat iwntdtobemgnumpi." I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the 25th century due to Wilma Deering's jumpsuit but despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.

    I have been considering sitting the police exam again as protecting the community from burglars, murderers and blogs must be very fulfilling. I am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging and I once performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self defence and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and pretend to walk against a strong wind to the delight of those around me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite useful during police stealth operations.

    Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball and a three to one ratio of chlorine & brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collar bone from the kickback and two inch hole through two plaster walls then a television set brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.

    Regards, David.


    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 2.09pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    David, this isn't the first time we've received complaints regarding your website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article and I'll be checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously but I can assure you that we do.

    Yours sincerely, Michael Harding


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 3.18pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    Dear Michael,

    I do indeed take the matter seriously and will attempt to facilitate your request by 5pm tomorrow despite the fact that I am extremely busy this weekend. I need to bury the two dead backpackers I have in the spare room as the smell is starting to attract suspicion. And wolves. It is a fairly large job as one of the backpackers is American and will therefore require a hole several sizes larger than normal. On the plus side, the other is from England which obviously means no dental records.

    I could hire one of those mini bobcat tractors for the day but will probably just let the children out for a game of 'best digger gets food this week'. I am sick of hearing "I want my parents" and "Please don't lock me in the spare room again, it smells funny" but many hands, no matter how small, make light work.

    Also, I was watching Crime Stoppers last night and was wondering if you need anyone to play the perpetrators in crime re-enactments? I have several years acting experience convincing co-workers that I am listening and care about their relationship issues or what they did on the weekend while really thinking about robots or what would happen if a car made of diamond drove really fast into a wall made of diamond. I would prefer to play either a black professor or an Asian bus driver.

    Regards, David.


    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 10.26am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    I suggest you spend the time deleting the page as you have been requested to do rather than writing about dead backpackers.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.02pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    Dear Mike,

    My apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my vehicle. Did you know that if you report it stolen the insurance company gives you money to buy a new one? I usually do this every eleven months as it saves having to pay for an annual service.

    I do not have dead backpackers in the spare room. I was just being silly. There is no space in there due to the hydroponics system, pots and bags of nutrients. I read somewhere that it is ok to have up to three hundred and seventy marijuana plants for personal use. Correct me if I wrong. As I do not have a backyard and the plants take up most of the apartment, I sleep in a hammock stretched between two of the larger trunks. It is like sleeping in a jungle and sometimes I pretend I am a baby monkey. Due to the 24 hour UV lighting, my electricity bill this month is nearly four thousand dollars but I have an awesome tan.

    In regards to the website, rather than deleting the article, I will amend it to be about cats. Is this acceptable to you?

    Regards, David.


    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.31pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    It isn't legal to grow even one plant which I'm sure you already know. Possession of less than 100g or one plant has been decriminalised but still carries a fine. Changing the page to be about cats is fine. I will be checking to see if it has been done by 5pm. I strongly suggest that you do so.

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.17pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    Dear Mike,

    5pm eastern standard time or ours?

    Regards, David.


    From: Michael Harding
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.41pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    Ours. I've had enough of your nonsense. If the page is not removed or changed within the next 20 minutes I will be filing an order under the e-crimes act of 2006 to have the website shut down.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.59pm
    To: Michael Harding
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship


    Done.



    And here is the original page (now amended):

    http://www.27bslash6.com/guaranteed.html

    Check out other articles on that site too - good stuff. :D
     
    Caligula likes this.
  2. Survivalism

    Survivalism Weapon Enthusiast

    Messages:
    438
    Location:
    A mile High, all the time (CO)
    LOL thanks man, they are long but worth it.
     
  3. Derf

    Derf Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    168
    Location:
    New York
    While it was pretty funny to read, it seems to have wasted some time. Not just for you, but for the police agent who had no sense of humor. Is this what your tax dollars go to? ... paying police to surf the net looking for people talking about wanting to buy drugs and sell drugs?
    How is this different from a blog or e-journal saying you want money to buy and sell drugs? Is freedom of speech censored there in Australia? Obviously soliciting money isn't illegal, maybe buying and selling drugs is. But you haven't been buying or selling, so why are the police looking to intervene? Further, when you say 'drugs', you could be talking about aspirin, right? It isn't clear that you wanted to buy heroine or cocaine or other illegal drugs.

    what a farce - was there really an internet act in 2006 that forbade you from talking about wanting to buy or sell drugs?
     
  4. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,057
    Location:
    Australia
    Ok for a start, it's not me involved here, but David Thorne who does the website (and I'm not David Thorne). And there is no indication here that cops are paid to surf the net to find this type of stuff - this police officer was acting on a public complaint.

    Secondly, freedom of speech is, to a point, restricted in every country - including the US. I'd be surprised if soliciting money to buy drugs was legal in the States.

    And the drugs in question, well I don't know what words he replaced with 'cats', but from the context it sounds like pills (of ecstasy).
     
  5. mattybass

    mattybass Quasi-Intellectual

    Messages:
    246
    Location:
    Canada
    nah he's talking about pot... the 'roach' was a raisin and he tried to smoke it.
     
  6. finchrock24

    finchrock24 Proud MMJ Patient

    Messages:
    371
    Location:
    SoCal
    Pot. Parsley? $50 could also be a realistic price for a common quantity. Seemed obvious.
     
  7. Qbit

    Qbit cannabanana

    Messages:
    1,057
    Location:
    Australia
    Well actually, reading that page again, I think the word might have just been the generic 'drugs'. The reference to parsley was, yeah, obviously about weed but then this bit is obviously referring to ecstasy:

    I once purchased several cats that looked suspiciously like Pez. After testing one and feeling nothing despite waiting at least five minutes, I ate the remainder. A short time later, I found myself at an all night outdoor rave dancing to Paul Oakenfold and hugging what appeared to be animatronic Goodwill store manikins flagging down aircraft.
     
  8. toxicc

    toxicc E11001420

    Messages:
    155
    Location:
    Canada
    There is a lot of books and plants banned in Australia, and a long list of websites blocked by internet providers.
     
  9. FlyingLow

    FlyingLow Team NO SLEEP!

    Messages:
    1,368
    I love Thorne, been following him for longer than I care to admit;)
     
  10. wunderkind

    wunderkind Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    94
    Lol I had forgotten about this guy. He's good. "Infinite energy!" :D
     

Support FC, visit our trusted friends and sponsors