Help request: spouse quit, wants me also

[ltv]

My spouse decided to stop cannabis, after 22 years because when life becomes stressful, she uses several times per day, everyday. She is unable to control herself. I understand and support her decision, however I still want to enjoy it even twice/week. The problem is she doesn’t want it in the house at all.
Anyone has/had the same circumstances and how would you recommend a solution so we’re both satisfied?

Thank you!

 

[macbill]

Keep it under lock and key. She doesn't want easy access. When you vape, do it discretely. It is not fair to blow vape in her face. Support her but allow yourself to indulge. Perhaps she will allow herself to occasionally let her hair down, as long as you control the supply, for example, a couple hits before a concert.

 

[ltv]

She will smell both the herb and vape. I can do a cartridge but it’s not the same as vaping real herb.

Basically she doesn’t want herb in the house.

 

[macbill]

she doesn’t want herb in the house

Would she mind if you vaped on a walk? Because it really sounds like she wants to control you. I'd say discussion is the best way to bring this forward. Is she afraid she will just fall back into former ways? She must be afraid of her resolve.

 

[Tranquility]

Basically she doesn’t want herb in the house.

It seems options are limited.

1. Quit pot.
2. Quit her.
3. Hide pot and use from her.
4. Use outside the house.
5. Negotiate another solution.

But, the answer is not on FC, but in you and your wife's goals and relationship. There are no magic pills that....wait, there ARE some "magic" pills. They're called edibles.

For some reason, I suspect that will not be the answer.

 

[ltv]

Would she mind if you vaped on a walk? Because it really sounds like she wants to control you. I'd say discussion is the best way to bring this forward. Is she afraid she will just fall back into former ways? She must be afraid of her resolve.

That would work except she will smell the herb.

It seems options are limited.

1. Quit pot.
2. Quit her.
3. Hide pot and use from her.
4. Use outside the house.
5. Negotiate another solution.

But, the answer is not on FC, but in you and your wife's goals and relationship. There are no magic pills that....wait, there ARE some "magic" pills. They're called edibles.

For some reason, I suspect that will not be the answer.

That would work if edibles were available.

 

[Jill NYC]

As @OldNewbie said, the answer probably isn’t on FC, but with you two.

However, my 2 cents.... cannabis, like any other drug, can be addictive and abused, and for those it effects in negative ways, it can be a real struggle to get it under control.
Supporting her in solidarity, in the short term may be the best thing you can do for her. If this is what she needs, maybe you should try to stop along with her over the first month or two.
Once she has a little more perspective, you can revisit the conversation and find some sort of compromise.

 

[JCat]

I've had a drinking problem in the past, and have not had a drink in over a year (apart from a couple a couple in September ... full disclosure )

I never expected those around me to quit drinking ... I didn't think it was fair to impose my problem on others (that being said, in the short term, those close to you should be able to support you w/ abstinence when around you, if that's what you feel you need)

So I guess I agree w/ @Jill NYC ... short term you might want to abstain with her apart from occasions, and long term this is obviously not a fair solution.

 

[ltv]

As @OldNewbie said, the answer probably isn’t on FC, but with you two.

However, my 2 cents.... cannabis, like any other drug, can be addictive and abused, and for those it effects in negative ways, it can be a real struggle to get it under control.
Supporting her in solidarity, in the short term may be the best thing you can do for her. If this is what she needs, maybe you should try to stop along with her over the first month or two.
Once she has a little more perspective, you can revisit the conversation and find some sort of compromise.

Makes sense. I already abstained for one month. I will always support her decision and realize some struggle with alcohol (I don’t drink), food and of course herb.
Do most people enjoy the cartridges?
I guesss I will look for some edibles.

Her friend’s son was consuming herb and had a psychotic/manic episode and still in the hospital for 2 weeks.
That did scare her but she is now aware that is a function of a disease and not herb. In a small % of people herb can exacerbate their mental illness and are better off w/o herb.

Thank you for all that have contributed; very helpful and appreciated!

More suggestions and comments are also appreciated.

Would she mind if you vaped on a walk? Because it really sounds like she wants to control you. I'd say discussion is the best way to bring this forward. Is she afraid she will just fall back into former ways? She must be afraid of her resolve.

She is aware that she is a controlling person which isn’t helping the situation.

Would she mind if you vaped on a walk? Because it really sounds like she wants to control you. I'd say discussion is the best way to bring this forward. Is she afraid she will just fall back into former ways? She must be afraid of her resolve.

 

[Tranquility]

short term you might want to abstain with her apart from occasions, and long term this is obviously not a fair solution.

"Fair"? What's that?

Edit:

She is aware that she is a controlling person which isn’t helping the situation.

There's a bunch of stuff on the interwebs on how to have a discussion with a controlling spouse. Just One:
https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-a-Controlling-Spouse

 

[ltv]

So true!

Lol, the only fair is taxi fare, bus fare, plane fare, etc.

The man always has the last word in an argument....

“Yes dear”.

 

[Tranquility]

Lol, the only fair is taxi fare, bus fare, plane fare, etc.

The man always has the last word in an argument....

“Yes dear”.

Please. *I'm* in charge of all the big decisions in the household with my wife in charge of all the little day-to-day decisions.

Should the U.S. bomb North Korea? Should we build a wall to control immigration? Should taxes be lower?

All mine.

What's for dinner? Should we buy a car? Which car? What do we watch tonight?

All hers.

Match made in heaven.

 

[ltv]

You’re fortunate. Sounds like a relationship that works.

"Fair"? What's that?

Edit:


There's a bunch of stuff on the interwebs on how to have a discussion with a controlling spouse. Just One:
https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-a-Controlling-Spouse

Just read through that. Thanks.

 

[CarolKing]

I think respecting each other is important for any marriage. Ask her if it would be OK to vaporize cannabis while she’s not around. I think some compromise is in order but that’s just me.

It’s up to you maybe you would rather quit cannabis if it’s going to cause problems in your marriage. If you don’t want to quit cannabis you may start to feel resentful. Just thinking out loud.

 

[ltv]

You’re exactly right about feeling resentful.
I wonder if one spouse is an alcoholic, does that mean professionals would suggest no alcoholic beverages in the home?

 

[Tranquility]

You’re exactly right about feeling resentful.
I wonder if one spouse is an alcoholic, does that mean professionals would suggest no alcoholic beverages in the home?

Don't worry about how things look; don't worry about what others may do; worry about your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with the marijuanas.

That being said, most people in recovery often are advised to reduce interaction with those who are associated with the alcohol/drug use. Certainly, you're going to be a trigger to your wife's usage. As to if that trigger is the stress you bring to the relationship, the modeling behavior of usage or something else, you have to be aware of how your actions will affect her.

Once you start thinking about if your actions are "fair" or if others think them right, you're getting into much broader issues in your relationship beyond what you came here for. If you're going there, you might get some joint counseling. It's not that YOU or HER need to be fixed as much as you/her need to learn communication skills. Active listening and fair fighting as concepts can really help a couple out.

 

[ltv]

Don't worry about how things look; don't worry about what others may do; worry about your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with the marijuanas.

That being said, most people in recovery often are advised to reduce interaction with those who are associated with the alcohol/drug use. Certainly, you're going to be a trigger to your wife's usage. As to if that trigger is the stress you bring to the relationship, the modeling behavior of usage or something else, you have to be aware of how your actions will affect her.

Once you start thinking about if your actions are "fair" or if others think them right, you're getting into much broader issues in your relationship beyond what you came here for. If you're going there, you might get some joint counseling. It's not that YOU or HER need to be fixed as much as you/her need to learn communication skills. Active listening and fair fighting as concepts can really help a couple out.

Thank you for the wise insight.

 

[cptofnthng]

How did Things Work Out in the end?
Im in a sort of similiar situation.

 

[RustyOldNail]

How did Things Work Out in the end?
Im in a sort of similiar situation.

He got to keep the vape gear..... she got the house....

 

[cptofnthng]

Sounds Like a mediocre deal
No srsly. I looked at His Posts and was asking about weaning off, so maybe thats that.

 

[vapirtoo]

I was also looking forward to the conclusion resolution.

 

[cptofnthng]

How do others live with a spouse and vape everyday?
How about you @vapirtoo?
She cool? She hatin?

 

[Chicken No Name]

When my wife and myself gave up combustion she just stopped.
She has no interest in even trying a vape.even though I've been vaping and combusting for years.
Mind you, she is stronger than me at sticking to things. Excercise, eating sensibly, etc etc she has resolve and determination.
Me, I'm a lazy bugger who needs to be dragged kicking and screaming to live life a little healthier.
She is bemused by my expanding collection but as long as it doesn't interfere with normal life all is cool.
She has said several times that when she married me she knew I would always indulge and tbh I think she recognises that I'm a better person when I can indulge.

 

[Abysmal Vapor]

How do others live with a spouse and vape everyday?
How about you @vapirtoo?
She cool? She hatin?

Wife hates my vapor! 😂

Taking some sweet CBD hash hits through bubbler. Wife is sitting across the table covering her nose and mouth every time I exhale! Does your other half hate your vapor? Tell us about it! 😂

fuckcombustion.com

There are a few threads with similar subject.
If i am not allowed to do that in my house,i would rather be in another.
My grandma says that the key to a good relationship are rare contacts. IME when people start to get bothered with stuff like that ,it is time for a rest. I used to live with my GF together and we got into argumentsand dissaproval of the our lifestyles all the time. Also home office in a tight space we had was hell. Now we live close to each other in our own living spaces and getting together in our free time ,it is a ton better and we really appreciate the time spent together,

 

[shredder]

Going edibles only kinda mutes most of the uncomfortable social things that come with vaping, and smoking.

With no gear laying around, and very few weed smells around makes life a little less complicated. But then my wife and I are pretty much on the same page as far as weed goes. We both use but try to be discrete.

We did have a little trouble with our adult children after they had kids. They didn't want to expose our grandkids to the evil weed, lol, but eventually they came around and we have a good relationship with our children and grandchildren.