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Funniest Fucking Stories You've Ever Read

Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by FlyingLow, Jun 9, 2014.

  1. FlyingLow

    FlyingLow Team NO SLEEP!

    Messages:
    1,369
    I shit you not, my dear friend and old boss posted the following to Facebook. The pictures have been removed, but I think you will find he is still able to paint quite the descriptive picture.

    Have a good story of your own? Share below:popcorn:




    My Appologies
    Yesterday at 7:09pm
    I guess I need to apologize for all of my recent antics and targeted insults. Someone or even The Big Man upstairs decided to get payback today…. Awaking at 8am (early—it is a workday!), groggily I noticed that I was covered in blood. A LOT OF BLOOD! (Not that this wasn’t totally unexpected as we all know there are many, many people who might actually relish in my ultimate demise—Lauren, my in-laws, various soccer moms and their corresponding soccer “husbands,” current and ex-employees, etc…

    Trust me--Immediately looking all over your body for gun shot holes and/or stab wounds is not a pleasant way to start your day! Well low and behold, I discovered to my utmost horror—I was actually bleeding out of one of my “natural” holes—The one that most people call me! (yes that would be the A-hole!)

    Don’t get me wrong—I have had battles with Mr. “H” before, but never to the extent that he takes a battle axe to me in the middle of the night! Don’t worry—it gets better. A nice clean up shower and 2 rolls of my endeared Charmin later, I was still looking like one of Jason’s victims!

    9:01am Call to the Colorectal Surgeon’s office. “Colorectal” just should not be a word! Follow it with “Surgeon” and we got the makings of something special…

    “We will try to squeeze you in..”
    “Lady—have you ever been squirting blood out of your ass?”
    “Sir—I will have the nurse call you..”

    Hi-ho, hi-ho—and off to work I needed to go…Screw the commercials—THERE IS NOTHING FREE about wearing a “StayFree Maxi Pad!!! No wonder women are in such crappy moods all of the time. (To think--I thought it was just me!)

    9:10am – 9:47 am: Try to figure out proper installation of said “StayFree Maxi Pad” For you men who have never had the pleasure of putting in a tampon, maxi pad, etc—THERE IS NO HANDBOOK or Instructional Handbook. WTF???

    9:50am Placement Accomplished.

    10:06am: Colorectal Nurse calls me back. “We can see you after lunch, but be prepared to wait….” “What time?” I ask. “2pm.” “Great—I will see you at 1:30!” And now the fun begins…

    1:20pm: Arrive at Atlanta Colorectal Surgery (Sounds cool, eh?) [cid:0D8A87ED-98E7-41DE-BD5E-761002C169A5]

    1:21-2:15pm: Read about Jesse James and Sandra Bullock’s divorce in every major periodical. (pretty interesting crap—but most of you knew all about it months ago!—glad to be up to speed!) 2:15pm: Young, cute nurse calls my name. I walk into the hallways and she says, “You are going to THE LAST ROOM on the right.” The “Last Room—This is Jason Sh*t!)

    2:16pm Arrival into Last Room. Square table in the middle. (Yes- you know the one—they push a button and it flips your ass way up into the air, while you feel like you are going down a slide head first!) “What seems to be the problem today?” “Well, I just made your chair in the waiting room resemble Poor Marvin in Pulp Fiction.” (I think she likes me now!) “The Doctor will be in shortly.” And so it begins…

    I wander around the room looking at the Medieval equipment that I know somehow are going to be entering my humble albeit “exit only” orifice. Actual Crime Scene Photo [cid:8F3B7C1F-6892-4B38-91C8-3A72FEBC8ADB] [cid:E60107CD-28BD-40CD-A7CF-0173D40ADAFB]

    2:32pm: The Guy who spent ages 22-34 (12 FRICKING YEARS) learning about people’s asses walks in. First question—I swear! “Mr. Shapiro, Do you have a heart condition?” “Not yet-but looking at some of your equipment, I might have one in a few minutes….”

    (Not a smile out of Dr. Anus.)

    “Please take your pants off and lay stomach down on the table.”

    Next thing I know—bzzzzzz—and I am face down with my bare ass somewhere close to the ceiling. Ding—and in walks the cute female nurse… WTF AGAIN!

    “You have a choice—I can cut your “problem” out now—or it will heal itself over the next 3-4 weeks.”
    “You are the doctor—what do you think?” “Well, I am going to numb you, and you will have some pain—but the bleeding will subside quicker.”
    “When can I exercise again?” Exercise?

    My bare ass is14ft up in the air and I am worrying about exercising? WTF is wrong with me?!

    “3-5 days..”

    “Alright—let’s do it.”

    “Are you sure—I have to give you a shot “down there”—and it is going to hurt???”

    All I can say is as the shot went in—all 10 of my fingers completely pierced the vinyl table—my feet went through the ceiling tiles—and 3 kids in the Pediatrician’s office down the hall started crying!

    Then the cutting started… Does this hurt?

    “ Have you ever had your asshole cut out?” –Probably was not the smartest thing to say to someone with a knife in your butt.

    “Please take a deep breath, Mr. Shapiro.” Squeaked the little female nurse. (Now she was not so cute!)

    Think it is over??? NOT QUITE!!!

    “Give me 2 pieces of tape.” Says the Butt Butcher. “I am going to tape your butt cheeks together.”

    “You are kidding right.” Came out of my humiliated, yet totally unbelieving, mouth. All I am thinking about is Jackass The Movie where Stevie gets his butt cheeks pierced together.

    “Not a chance.” And so here I sit—3lbs of gauze stuck in my crack—my butt cheeks taped together—and thinking maybe I should change my ways…

    To think I recently told a friend to slap his wife’s ass and call her Sally.. (Her name is Sally) Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
     
    tuk, Puffers and Vicki like this.
  2. Vicki

    Vicki The Bionic Woman

    Messages:
    5,868
    Wow, just wow.......I don't think I could ever beat that one. :lol:
     
    FlyingLow likes this.
  3. tuk

    tuk Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    416
    If my ass ever start bleeding I will just suck it up.
     
    FlyingLow likes this.
  4. smokum

    smokum I am who I am and your approval isn't needed!

    Messages:
    1,679
    Location:
    Canaduhh

    ummmm... gross ?!! :lol:
     
    FlyingLow likes this.
  5. tuk

    tuk Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    416
    :lol: ..yeh I didn't really think through the imagery when I wrote that late last night.
     
    Enchantre, smokum and FlyingLow like this.

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