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Discussion in 'The Vapor Lounge' started by CarolKing, Jun 15, 2017.

  1. CarolKing

    CarolKing Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur

    You would think that bullies would disappear after we grew up. But no. What about the bullies online and the ones we deal with in person? Most of us have crossed paths with a bully. The older they get the better they get at it because they started bullying as a kid. Kid bullies eventually turn into adults that bully.

    Bullying is a big problem in our society. It could be your boss at work or someone you work with. It could be a teacher. It could be someone online. Those are the real cowards. Hiding behind their computers anonymously.

    They are looking for attention and trying to make themselves feel more important. When they pick on someone else it makes them feel more powerful. They find someone that they feel they have more power over. Sometimes they even pick on someone that is smarter than they are. Trying to put them down gives them a feeling of empowerment.

    I'm sure most bullies are lonely, sad and angry people. Trying to get acceptance but in a very negative and an ignorant way.

    FC is a nice and welcoming community but sometimes bullies rear their heads up in the forum here as well. Please just talk about the bullies that we come across in our everyday lives. You might have a family member that is a bully.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2017
    jane621, AJS, looney2nz and 14 others like this.
  2. Little Bill

    Little Bill Oldest stoner on FC

    a shithole country
    @CarolKing you must have somebody in mind so go ahead and tell us. We won't tell anybody.

    As for myself being a retired old white male, I don't remember being bullied much. The only bully I see often is Donald Trump and he is just on the TV and not in person. Well there are a lot of sad and angry people on our community bulletin board; but it is easy to tune out. Sorry I can't contribute more.
  3. nihil

    nihil Member, Known Well

    This struck a nerve and I thought I should reply.. for myself and whomever reads it.

    I was "bullied" by my boss's wife for over 14 years. Batshit insane bullying.. I'm not going to give too many examples, but will if others are interested.. let's just say I have well over 50 "stories" of her trying to get me fired. One example was accusing me of breaking into the office over a weekend to steal a copy of my Social Security card in our Accountant's office. Another was of me hacking into their home network and deleting files on her computer. Again, insane accusations that literally made no sense.

    What I did was simple, although it took me a few years to perfect it. We're a small office, less than 20 people. So I started planting seeds with my coworkers and the other partners at the firm. Simple things like pointing out what she was doing to other coworkers and clients. After the seeds were planted, I'd water them monthly (think long game and don't let your emotions overcome you and try for a quick solution). After a year and a half, she was told not to come into the office by her husband. Mission accomplished.

    And then, every six months or so, she'd find an excuse to come back in, trying to antagonize me if she ran into me. Again, patience, back to watering the seeds and watching my garden grow. After a month or so, she would be told not to come back in, again, by her husband, my boss. It wasn't that I convinced her husband, it was that I had the other partner's and HR go to him and tell him she was a liability. This happened a total of 9 fucking times.

    Was it stressful? Yes. But seeing her lose in humiliation made it worth it each time.. although I would have preferred this situation not to have occurred in the first place.

    About 10 years ago I became privy to some of her personal thoughts (don't ask). What I learned was that she was probably the most insecure person I have ever met. She was afraid her husband would leave her for someone younger and more attractive, she was scared about her health, she dealt with being a shitty mother and step-mother, she knew she was going to die alone (husband is much older (she was a gold digger)), etc.. the list went on and on.

    So my point? Always stand up to a bully if that is in fact what they are doing. You will feel pain, you may get knocked down, but your integrety should always come first in this life, before anything else. Second, they are weak. They are insecure. Find that insecurity and play it against them. In my case I played her trust issues with her husband against her, basically because he trusted and respected me more than anyone else in the office.

    My favorite quote about her to my coworkers was that I was "living in her head, rent free." She was the one putting all of that negative energy into me, not living her own life. Me? Enjoying my job, getting high and playing video games after I got home. Who led the better part of those 14 years?

    My rant.. hope it helps someone.
    Mirimi, Vapor_Eyes, jane621 and 9 others like this.
  4. CarolKing

    CarolKing Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur

    I have a sister inlaw that's a bully. She would go to my mother inlaw (her mom) and try to cause problems between other family members and myself. Who do you think my mother inlaw would believe? Eventually my husband had to get envolved because he would catch his sister in lies after he would talk with his mom. My husband would set little traps for her and caught her a few times. It was an issue especially when our children were small.

    Most bullies will be bullies their entire lives and never learn a lesson. It's almost ingrained in them. I would hate to say part of their personality. Ive been married for 40 years to my husband and my sister inlaw is still a bully. I don't pay any attention to her. She's the one that has lost precious years that she could have been close with her brother. My mother and father inlaw have long since passed away and my husband stays away from her. He won't even take her calls anymore.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2017
    jane621, turk, looney2nz and 9 others like this.
  5. GreenHopper

    GreenHopper 20 going on 60

    I personally was never bullied, I was either too calm, to clever or just plain dismissive of it so never really got a reputation for being a target. I'm actually amazed that no one at school tried to bully me because of my eczema but honestly it just never happened and I'm so grateful for that.

    I've had a few really weird encounters on the street that could have turned out nasty but by being assertive and holding my ground I actually managed to get out of those situations without any violence what so ever.

    EXAMPLE: I was 21 and in good shape for the first time in my life ever. I was walking down the street one evening and noticed a suspicious character coming up quick on my six.

    I crossed over the road and noticed they followed suit, so I crossed again. There they were crossing again and gaining ground, I had several options but settled on turning around and confronting them. I noticed when I did so that they had an empty wine bottle in their hand and were visibly intoxicated.

    The usual verbal "what you looking at" bullshit ensued but I basically told it like I saw it - I explained how I observed them double crossing the road behind me and mentioned the bottle as a direct threat. In the end I told them they had two choices, either they could go back to the other side of the street or walk beside me but no way was I going to let them walk behind me.

    Eventually we ended up walking down the road and he started talking to me like I was one of his mates. A few meters ahead of us a guy gets off a bus and starts walking down the road in front of us. The idiot next to me goes to throw the bottle at this guy, so I pull his arm down and ask him why he feels the need to hurt/injure a completely innocent individual thats shown zero sign of aggression. "Because it funny" comes the reply, I shake my head and explaining to the idiot that only an insecure weak fool would feel the need to do such a thing. I manage to persuade him to throw the bottle away (although he chose to throw it at the bin rather than in it).

    Eventually we parted ways and I never saw him again.

    What the hell, if I hadn't noticed him following me I'd have been bottled.

    So weird.

    Wish I could say it was the only encounter with an aggressive bully but alas there are more stories of people trying to start agro and me standing my ground ready to fight but eventually managing to talk my way out.

    I'd just like to say though, that despite my encounters with these foolish folk I have never actually had to fight any of them. Also I have met significantly more outstanding individuals on the street than the few foolish bullies.
  6. nihil

    nihil Member, Known Well

    Damn. Great story @GreenHopper. I used to run with people like that, even dated. Had a girlfriend that I had to explain to, "no, if you throw that bottle at that truck, they are going to kick my ass, not yours." Good move squaring the guy down.

    @CarolKing our families are very similar.. just different players. It's tougher with family, but again, your integrity defines you. If you act with integrity, and they can't after a manner, move on.

    Also, hit up wikipedia for Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That's when I had my aha! moment on why people bully.
    looney2nz, grokit, Stevenski and 5 others like this.
  7. ghost

    ghost Well-Known Member

    People seem to bully more these days because there are no physical repercussions anymore.

    I miss growing up, before the internet and everything, where if someone bullied you, you punched them in the face, and then they stopped and moved on to someone else.
  8. CarolKing

    CarolKing Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur

    Now you have the cyber bullies that hide behind their computers and say the most horrendous things. They will ridicule and try to embarrass others with a degrading post or email meant only to intimidate or try to make them look stupid. This seems to feed their egos, pretty sad really and cowardly.

    They could be very destructive to some people lacking in self esteem and someone with emotional problems. What about someone severely ill? They don't know who they're talking too.

    Thanks to the mods in this forum. They don't let things get out of hand like some places online and forums.

    Most of us can spot a bully a mile away. That's right to call a bully out and label it what it is.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
    turk, JCat, looney2nz and 9 others like this.
  9. crawdad

    crawdad floatin

    potano territory
    im my experience the real bullies that are near impossible to ignore or shrug off have a support group of people who make them feel like they are normal good people but are actually total fucking assholes who bully or berate others and use their support group to validate their assholiness.
  10. OF

    OF Well-Known Member

    Left Coast
    Excellent points. When I was young and facing bullies it was explained to me that even though they were bigger and stronger than I was, they were cowards, unsure of themselves and others. As I grew, I came to understand how there are many shades of gray in there but the idea that pushing little guys around was wrong. This from a day when there was right and wrong, and most people used the same definitions for them.

    But bullies then had to be seen and identified. Then we went through a period where the coward/bullies hid behind bomb threats to empty buildings and such. Now we have trolls and worse who attack those they see as weaker or otherwise inferior to them launch their cowardly attacks from behind computers. Not even using their real names. Cowards. Probably posting from their parents basement in their pajamas as well?

    I too am glad that collectively we've no patients here for this BS. "Be nice" does not allow for attacking the weak (or perceived weak). I suggest we have a 'zero tolerance policy' without even defining it?

    I can't speak for lesser forums, but when I looked as some of them I was so put off by the BS getting in the way of exchanging useful information I wondered back to FC. Let the folks there who really want 'the straight poop' come join us......as long as they behave and treat others with respect.

    I feel better now, too.

    Thanks, CK.

    AJS, grokit, Green Kiwi and 7 others like this.
  11. 4tokin

    4tokin Well-Known Member

    I worked for an Australian corporation that used bullying to get rid of unwanted employees. They very rarely sacked anyone.
    It didn't matter if you where a manager or a shit kicker you got the same treatment.
  12. Diggy Smalls

    Diggy Smalls Tom Cruises

    Land of Confusion
    I was accused by a coworker of being bullying her. She also said I was mean to the kids. I got cameras on us all the time, I'm not an idiot. She's the idiot who lied about something they can easily look into. Even though I was the supposed bully, I feel like I was bullied. For real though. And she would talk to me like I was a 3 year old, even using that nasty sacharrine voice some idiots use with kids (sorry to call you an idiot if you're not and you still talk to anyone in that creepy voice).
    They moved me to a different area of work, and then fired her a month later. I feel like I was chased away from a position I thrived in for 4 years. Oh well. At least I still got my job (which I actually love still even though it's evolving).

    Most of the time when this coworker was being mean to me personally I turned away from her and pretended she isn't there. I work with kids, so I just focused on them and ignored her sorry ass. But one time she scolded me for using a plate and not offering it to her, and that's rude! I slammed that bowl down and said "I'm not taking this!" well, maybe growled it...lol and went right to the office. Ooo I couldn't stand her, she was so petty and always complaining about stupid shit and nitpicking the children and me. Nothing was ever good enough, everyone had bad intentions, and she would bust out in tears to get an advantage in a conversation. If it's not that, than she is the most unstable person I have personally ever met.

    We had a meeting and she got to talk first. I listened, and started talking. Before I got done with my first sentence describing what the classroom looked like to me when I came in that morning, she busted out in tears. We had to pause the meeting. It was so fucking awkward. The thing about it all is this...
    Other people WERE being rude to her, and it pissed me off. Yes, she sucked at the job. She's still a human being worth respect. I actually turned in some people for being outright rude to her and also for insulting her appearance right there in front of children. Disgusting.

    It really hurt when I found out she was accusing me of being a bully. I had to look inward and ask myself if I was. I do not believe so...I'm very good at being friendly with people, even people I don't like. It's easy to just connect on some level. We're all fucking humans, we have to have SOMETHING in common. Jesus Henry Christ

    That's my rant.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
    JCat, Hammahead, nihil and 4 others like this.
  13. pakalolo

    pakalolo RoboMod v4.0a (unstable) Staff Member

    Other side of your screen
    I'd like to mention the kind of bully that I have most contact with these days, and so do many of you: the internet bully.

    From its earliest days, the internet enabled psychological bullies. As soon as there was no face-to-face interaction, some people felt secure enough to say nasty things to others without fear of recrimination. These are the same people who give you the finger driving down the highway. Almost none of them would have the courage to do that face to face. You can't stop these people. You have to develop another strategy for dealing with them.

    There are few people who actually matter to any of us. Those are the ones whose opinions we value, and we try to act in a manner that won't disappoint them. Nobody else matters.

    I'll repeat that: Nobody. Else. Matters!

    When you care about what those others say, you give them power to hurt you. Don't do that.
    almost there, Vapetrees, JCat and 9 others like this.
  14. grokit

    grokit well-worn member

    the north
    Bullies are fucking pathetic, and any society that enables them has serious issues :2c:

    @ skankhunt42 :zombie:

  15. looney2nz

    looney2nz Research Geek, Mad Scientist

    So Cal
    nothing like bein' gaslighted by a BPD... BPD save their bullying for private, they almost NEVER let their actions be seen by outsiders. and BPD bullying is like Bullying to the 3rd power easily :(
    Diggy Smalls likes this.
  16. Diggy Smalls

    Diggy Smalls Tom Cruises

    Land of Confusion
    I've been assaulted from behind at night before, @GreenHopper good looking in catching it before it went down. I can be very oblivious to all sorts of threats, most of the time I float through to safety like Mr. Magoo, but sometimes my number comes up. I was mugged for a cheeseburger that I got for free after realizing my wallet was missing lol
    The police officer said "what do you want me to do about it?" How is that an appropriate response? Wtf
    I have respect for good cops, but I do not assume every cop is even competent. There was the time the cops dropped the finger print kit on the crime scene in my living room and then scooped up the powder and reused it to dust for prints. I wonder why they didn't find any?
    Derrrpp, JCat, Squiby and 1 other person like this.
  17. Hammahead

    Hammahead Well-Known Member

    This is the best possible advice, even though it can be very hard to maintain that attitude. Trained internet bullies know your weak spot before you're even aware of it yourself. Only thing to do is to actively ignore them. Doesn't feel like a victory, but it's the closest you can get, because that is the only scenario they do not thrive on, one way or the other.
    Derrrpp, JCat and GreenHopper like this.
  18. howie105

    howie105 Well-Known Member

    Online bullies are as relevant as any other social factor on the web, being a big pile of and ones. On the other hand when you run into one in the real world you need to have a grip on your options.
    GreenHopper, CarolKing and ichibaneye like this.
  19. ichibaneye

    ichibaneye Vapriot, Traveler & Vaporizer/ing lover!

    The Honeycomb Hideout
    I see a bunch of hurt feelings or being offended going on today far more than any actual bullying the past 15 years ... and NOW it's being twisted into and mis-labeled, rebranded (mental illness anyone?) as Bullying and many, many other things to take the focus off of the real issues. Wether they be societal or personal, the inability to grasp reality or anger for the shortcomings in their own lives. They get offended and upset...booowhoo. It happens here sometimes (rarely, thank goodness) and in western society all of the time. Just because someone disagrees with you, made a valid point, showed one the errors of his ways, the person gets offended then defaults to false labeling and other nonsensical tactics.

    As far as it being a "Big" problem in society, I find that laughable and personally I totally disagree. From studying trends for the past 20 years or more, I find that the major problem is the lack of educated individuals. Ignorance runs unchecked. These individuals/major numbers of the population have been conditioned with Stockholm syndrome and now they're all mostly ass backwards snowflakes.

    I wonder why they call it programming...hmmm. Now back to your advertised, scheduled, news, corporate commercial, propaganda... well.. some of you see my point here anyways...

    I'm not saying that actual bullying like, shaming someone directly as in a personal attack on their character, physically attacking them... the two combined together as picking on someone.....is good at all. It's not!

    The reality is that, it's a part of adulting up during our being a child process. Do something about it and stop whining and trying to force others to treat it like it's nuclear fission about to pop off and that is is not unavoidable. It is unavoidable in adult life for the most part.

    As adults, we have choices, if threatened remove the threat: remove yourself from the situation first always if possible or two physically handle said bully if the first option is not possible. Next, know thy self, be secure in who you are. This then allows the lower vibrations from the bottom feeders to never even effect you in the first place. It's like selecting a more suitable song when one comes along that you do not enjoy listening to.
    Another is to use reason and not emotion, this will melt the bully down to nothing every time.
    Lastly for the online stuff... don't feed the trolls. This goes back to my last suggestion... not reacting. I don't waste energy where it isn't best utilized.
    -Drops the microphone- I'm out!
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
    Marihuana and howie105 like this.
  20. CarolKing

    CarolKing Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur

    I respectfully disagree that bullying isn't a major problem in today's society. It's in every walk of life it doesn't matter if your rich or poor. Some folks can't always get away from a bully if its your boss. You are dependent on your employer for a job. Also unfortunately there are folks that we come in contact in every day life that are bullies that have important positions such as judges, teachers and police officers.

    You sometimes can walk away but not always.

    I was in a store a couple years ago. I watched as this man continued to flick his (under year old baby) in the head with his finger or pull his hair. The mom was in another area. The baby was sitting in the cart. The boyfriend or dad was pushing the cart and trying to get this baby to cry by hurting him. Then when the mom would come comfort the child. This man acted like he didn't know why the baby was crying. I couldn't believe what I was seeing at first but quickly caught on. I thought twice about jumping in because you never know what people are capable of doing. I didn't want to make matters worse.

    I confronted this man while the mom was standing there and told him I would call the police if he kept tormenting the baby. I told him I knew exactly what was going on. What the hell does he do when nobody is around? There was another shopper that had seen what was happening too. She was my witness to this sickening behavior from this man. Maybe threatening to call the police was a bit rash but that's what came out of my mouth. The mom needed to know what he was doing.

    Bullies are also spouse abusers. Physical abuse in relationships is pretty high in the world as a whole. Some societies are way worse than in America and Western Europe. What about all the physical abuse that some children experience in their homes. Maybe not by all bullies but frustrated parent who come off as being a bully.

    There are different types of bullies and different levels. Those that hide behind their computers and those that come out of the shadows and bully in person for the world to see.

    When I was in my 20s I volunteered at a women's shelter for victims of physical and sexual abuse for 7 years. Bulliying played a hand quite often. I would see some horrible mental / verbal abuse not just from men but women too. It's not just physical. The mental abuse is often worse in the aftermath.
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
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  21. turk

    turk turk

    San Francisco
    ...reformed bully here...grew up in harlem and the bronx...in the 50's and 60's....ran with a "group" that used to target kids....(this is all pre-teenage)...we would take lunch money...and intimidate anyone who crossed us...these tended to be kids that we perceived as gay...
    ...I am deeply ashamed of my actions back than...as I became older...(wiser) I went the other way...I became a advocate for gay rights and worked and supported many campaigns for the LGBT community and my union...people can change...its not easy....but people can change...and I agree with caroling that bullying is a problem..
  22. jane621

    jane621 Unapproved commercial account.

    Best wish for you.:love:
  23. His_Highness

    His_Highness In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king

    Bullies are damaged people. Some are seriously damaged and others situationally damaged. The driving force is a weakness in character. They feel inferior and bully in an attempt to feel superior. Father issues, mother issues, fear of failure, being insecure and becoming a manager for the first time, etc. I'm not implying that being damaged gives anyone the right to do damage.... or that a bully should be given some leeway depending on how horrible a life event was that caused them to be the way they are. Just the opposite.

    I've never allowed anyone to bully me because..... I tend toward anger and it is obvious I'm looking forward to confrontation when I feel injustice. Most bullies don't want any part of someone who is not just willing to stand up but is obviously looking forward to the confrontation. Don't get me wrong....I've been scared but my temper is an override and it's an obvious one.

    I recently saw a bully get a dose of his own medicine and it was soooooooooooooo entertaining. Known the bully for years and it only took one event with me to cure him where I'm concerned. But as bullies go they move on to the next intended victim and it was plain to some folks that I was treated with respect where others weren't. During a particularly stressful meeting with a new department head the bully had begun his usual pompous way of speaking down to people and the new department head lost his shit with the bully and became so enraged that he began yelling and screaming at him. It was the first time I'd seen the bully being bullied in the same way he does it to others. The bully was on the verge of a anxiety attack and afterwards wrote a letter to management that cited, are you ready for this...."A hostile work environment". We couldn't believe he didn't even remotely recognize himself.

    There are none so blind as those who will not see......
  24. capcoho

    capcoho Well-Known Member

    When I moved cities in Grade 4 some guy tried to bully me. I went to the school at night and tagged his name in a few places. I remember him crying as they dragged him to the principals office the next morning :p

    Same thing throughout life. If I see someone is a bully I deal with them through non-violent unconventional means.

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