when illness causes someone to be abusive

My mate is trying to cure himself of a big UC flare without anyone's help, and he has little flares about once a week. I am trying to figure out ways for my mate and I to co-exist when he gets to the point of uncontrolled explosive anger just by my being around. It makes me feel worse than seen but not heard, not even seen. But, I came up with the idea of installing a privacy curtain across the living room that could be drawn or retracted at will to allow us more private space when we wanted it. He blew up when I told him about it. He accused me of not standing the sight of him.

I've been trying lately to give him lots more alone time and personal space, but now if in the same room I gaze at him because I don't know he's not up to it, he accuses me of judging him, even if I tell him I look just because I miss him, or I want to see how he is doing. I know he is in some agonizing pain.

But the pain has gotten to the point of basically removing me from any space he currently occupies in our home. And he consistently uses very loud angry tones to shut me up that the neighbors have heard.

This has been going on sporadically since before we moved here, but I think our neighbors have been hearing him yell at me since we first got here a year and a half ago. We live in an urban neighborhood where each home is on a half-acre, deep lots with houses closer together than maybe necessary.

I believe that I can depend on another human being to help me when I am sick. My mate makes it abundantly clear he wants no help, and then he will ask me to do a favor.

I think I have PTSD from being yelled at, and I am enduring an impossible situation, regardless of my friendship and love bond. I speak to him so calmly most of the time, with optimism, enthusiasm, and encouragement, but it seems the nicer I am to him, the more he sees me as an enemy.

Duh, I am not perfect. I've been under lots of stress from excessive neighborhood noise. It was a huge mistake to try to problem solve with him about it. I think I caused him stress. I could have kept this problem to myself, found another outlet for it. But now it doesn't matter anymore because we can no longer have any kind of conversation without the possibility of my mate misunderstanding me and blowing up.

Caretakers out there, I am prepared to be one in the future but being yelled at every day does not sound like a good idea. Any words of wisdom? I know, I am living with Eeyore who has a nail up his ass.

Very tough situation.

You care too much and it annoys him.
You care too little, he thinks you're judging him.

Sad to say, people like that, you have to tip toe around-walk on egg shells rather.

His UC pain is causing him to change psychologically. It's always in the forefront, so its really the flare up doing most of the talking.


Does he partake? Does he smoke tobacco? Drink alcohol? Maybe his diet?
These things can make a flare up worse.

Sorry, if this doesn't help, but thought I would reach out.

Thank you so much @Slow Draw McGraw! He has tried a little butter lately, probably too lately.

One reason maybe he thinks I am judging him is he knows he eats high trigger foods in spite of his belief in diet as cure. I think he projects a lot of his anger toward himself onto me. He's been in a constant state of slightly pissed at himself since I met him. Your point about transforming psychologically is spot on. He supported me in my quest to cure chronic migraine and deal with mystery food intolerance, and I now have most of my days pain free back. I can resist bad food much easier than he can. He will try to drag me into a conversation about a possible bad food, but now I know not to get into that trap with him. I suspect self-hatred might be a lot at the root of his disease which really frightens me.

Well the fact that you have found reflief in having discipline in your diet will annoy him because in a weird way he is jealous. He cannot overcome bad eating habits, but if you don't eat with him, it can cause insecurity in himself knowing he's alone in that aspect. He tried to lure you in for security. That way if you both are doing it, his guilt can remain at bay-until it time to eat again. Sounds like self loathing articulated into anger towards others.

Slow Draw McGraw said:

Well the fact that you have found reflief in having discipline in your diet will annoy him because in a weird way he is jealous. He cannot overcome bad eating habits, but if you don't eat with him, it can cause insecurity in himself knowing he's alone in that aspect. He tried to lure you in for security. That way if you both are doing it, his guilt can remain at bay-until it time to eat again. Sounds like self loathing articulated into anger towards others.

Click to expand...

Yeah. I've been taking this one day at a time, and now I've reached a point of giving him what he wants, acting as if I might loathe him (even though I only loathe being yelled at.)

hibeam said:

Yeah. I've been taking this one day at a time,

Click to expand...

Yes ma'am that's life. One day at a time is a good pace. I hope things start looking up in that situation. You can always vent in the 'Fuck You' thread. It helps many of us.

Thats rough hibeam. I suspect your mate feels a lot of self-loathing for being unable to stay on his own plan, and self-anger is spilling over on to you. Having gone through a bit of that myself earlier on it's all part of a learning process. Your mate won't do anything about it until he realizes what hes doing, and then things might change. But they might not. People are funny, and pain does funny things to people...

@killick, yes, thanks. I sought feedback here because we seem to have a collection of people who self-medicate and feel all the ups downs ins and outs of the practice.

I have to remind him that certain conversations he tries to have with me he really should have with a licensed practician. He seems to need to justify to me everything he puts in his mouth at some times, while at other times if I so much as look at him in the kitchen he blurts out not to tell him what to eat, when I was just waiting to use the sink or trying to remember why I came into the kitchen in the first place. And we aren't old enough to have Alzheimers yet!

It makes him furious if I bring up the whole self-loathing thing, even if he was the one who apprised me of it in the first place. And he talks to me as if he were the center of my universe. Guess what I am guessing.

I don't know any ears to trust nearby me, so thanks, and also I think I write fairly well and this may be quite a valuable little story of validity for someone else. Cheers!

If it is a question of a medical condition that is resolving then sticking it out MAY make sense, but no one here can make that call. If on the other hand its the actual personality surfacing then you may need to make another call. Unfortunately again its not a call I think anyone can make but yourself because none of us are as well informed as you.

Can someone explain what UC is? Because you are working very hard to be there for this person you love and it is costing you. As you said in the beginning, he is trying to cure this by himself. Are there treatments that would help him manage that he is avoiding because of wanting to do this himself. If so, I don't think that it is healthy for you to be in an environment that is causing you PTSD. It's also not helpful to him in the long run. PTSD is not a small issue- it can take years to get through it even with professional help.

little maggie said:

Can someone explain what UC is? ...

Click to expand...

I'm pretty sure @hibeam is referring to ulcerative colitis. Sigh. Such a difficult situation. I wish her well.

howie105 said:

If on the other hand its the actual personality surfacing then you may need to make another call.

Click to expand...

Exactly what I was thinking that may be occurring, but only she knows. It might have been mild grumpiness before, and with the flare up, it causes it to go to the next level. Very normal to happen, but only @hibeam can tell what is and what isn't.

We all deal with pain differently. One thing I strongly recommend is that you don't try to interpret his behavior to him like talk about self loathing. Another is that if you can't get him to go to counseling, maybe he'd be willing to try meditation or stress techniques that are free on the web. Reducing stress helps with UC. He also sounds very depressed. From what I've read, anger is common with UC but abuse is not. If he's unwilling to do anything for himself I don't think that there's much you can do.

Chronic pain slowly strips away your personality and ego (world map). Your mind is built like an onion, with layers of "filters" in place. This onion gets slowly peeled by the chronic pain and disease until there is nothing left but a raw, agonizing, nerve surrounding your inner self, which is truly you, but is blocked from the world by this process and the wall of pain that has been put in the way.

I have been going through this exact process for the last 10 years. My spouse and I are in couples therapy together and trauma therapy separately. Lashing out at the ones you love and give you care may seem to others to be a mysterious thing but pain in humans, unlike animals, is experienced both mechanically and emotionally. It is very complicated and no amount of therapy may save the situation. I am facing this right now. However healing the trauma and improving ones self as a person is a great idea because if you just leave the relationship you take all that baggage with you.

Will I stay married? At this point I truly do not know. We have been together 31 years, married for 23, and at this point, I just don't know. My wife just doesn't love me any more and nothing I can do is changing that. I have improved in so many areas and I do more now than I ever have but it all just goes into a black hole and disappears. Her heart simply does not want to be here and I can see why.

I really didn't want to talk about this here publicly but the situation is familiar and if I can help I will.

I wish you the best . . .

@little maggie, thanks, he can be like the guy who punches you and then hugs you apologetically, so bringing up the self-loathing was a matter of fact way to refuse being his victim. Now the seed has been planted so I certainly don't need to bring it up again! Yes, there is nothing I can do for him, so the question is what do I do for myself. Most of all thanks for validation about the severity of PTSD. When our state gets a good medical policy, I'll be seeking legitimacy for the treatment that works.

@howie105, thanks, fundamental personality issue that surfaces in physical crisis...some issues are abusive to others, some not so much, right?

@Amoreena, thanks, more validation, so needed right now!

@t-dub, your post is the one I was looking for, the words from the other side because my guy doesn't have the insight or language for it yet. I hope your helping me helps you.
He's going to an NP tomorrow to get some ball rolling. He's had some blow-ups at medical people since I've known him, so I have my fingers crossed. By the way, I am not in any danger of physical harm, but some of you may know very well how damaging it can be to be yelled at every day, especially having grown up with a screaming mee mee parent.

hibeam said:

thanks, fundamental personality issue that surfaces in physical crisis...some issues are abusive to others, some not so much, right?

Click to expand...

Yes but its not always a negative, sometimes you see the person rise to a challenge so it can actually be positive too.

@hibeam Its important that you take care of yourself first and foremost. You didn't mention if your mate has gotten some help for his condition from a physician. I understand your mate dealing with everyday pain. It's not OK that this person is abusive to you.

This person needs to be responsible for taking care of his or her medical situation and not take frustration out on you. Dont even mention his diet with him because that's an anger trigger point.

I suggest that you get some counciling before your mate does more damage to you emotionally. I'm not sure how bad this situation is for you? If it's intolerable you may need to think about separating yourself from this person. Hopefully your mate won't get physical with you.

What kind of support system do you have? You need to rally your family and friends around you if you have that. So sorry that you are dealing with emotional abuse. If it escalates into physical violence you need to leave.

@CarolKing, thanks, after I got validation here I told a neighbor friend. I am also going to call his brother. Now if he brings up diet he knows I will leave the room. He has been mistreated by doctors and now has a deep mistrust of them. I can get him to quit yelling if I threaten to call the cops but these days that is not practical. He has been acting contrite since I told him I was going to call his brother because I can't deal with him alone any more. I do not make idle threats and he knows this.

socks error double post deleted

@hibeam next time he starts yelling you should ask him if he would like to deal with his situation alone or with your help. Make it clear to him that his behaviour stops now or continues without you. I think he may realize how terrible the consequences of his actions may be. I'm a chronic pain sufferer and it has caused me to snap or yell at my wife many times. At times I even rant completely irrationally and know it. Over time we have learnt to take it easier. I try to find alone time if I sense the beast is stirring. Its a constant challenge though as I come across as a completely different person when consumed by pain. I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful, caring and patient person as my wife in my life and try to keep that thought towards the front of my brain.

I wonder how much of the personality changes are due to the disease, and how much are from the medications treating it. Regardless, I would urge that a holistic practitioner like a good chinese herbalist/acupuncturist be consulted. Not just to provide complimentary care, but also to help mitigate the physical as well as the psychological side effects of the traditional care already being employed.

Psychotherapy is also essential for both parties, especially if dietary advice cannot be followed, as this is the likely source of the problem and the most effective way to manage this condition. If lifestyle advice is not acted upon, medication alone can be a recipe for disaster as this disease will continue to deteriorate.

@Mr. Gweilo 420, that would be rational, but part of what he yells is that he needs no help when I am only doing what he's asked me to do. Have you found yourself jerking a person around even though you appreciate them? If so, how do you get past that?

@grokit, yes yes. However he relies on supplements and probiotics and no meds. Therapy is out. His older brother soured him on that from trying to shove it down the whole family's throat.

I think he is at the edge of his cliff. He has a secret compulsive eating disorder that probably led to the UC. Horrible guilt must come from that. But he is trying CBD now, just not enough yet to do any job.

It sounds like he probably has clinical depression. Something a lot of people struggle with. When I was severely depressed I used to lash out at anyone who would try and approach me because I inverted into myself and became distrustful of anyone for no reason in particular other than self loathing and anger at my emotional state.

It's incredibly difficult to get out of that inversion, but it is possible. He needs to be made to realise he can't speak to you in such a way and he has to want to get better. Is he physically abusive, or do you fear he could be? If not then put him in his place and MAKE him understand he has no right to treat you like shit when you're one of the only people there for him. If you fear he is, or could soon, become abusive then my only suggestion would be to leave as soon as you can

Pain is an awful stimulus for bringing out the worst in people and I'm sorry you're bearing the brunt of it.

Verbal and emotional abuse are as bad as physical abuse. Lay down the law that none will be tolerated.

Sorry, but I have zero tolerance here when it comes to abuse of any kind.

No amount of pain gives him the right to treat you like shit.

Take care of yourself, if he won't change.

Edit: Anything less sends the message that it's accepted and OK to be a dick.

Joel W. said:

Verbal and emotional abuse are as bad as physical abuse. Lay down the law that none will be tolerated.

Sorry, but I have zero tolerance here when it comes to abuse of any kind.

No amount of pain gives him the right to treat you like shit.

Take care of yourself, if he won't change.

Click to expand...

My sentiments exactly.....

I was in the middle of a situation like this when I posted in the Fuck You thread awhile back. I was not the one in pain (abuser) nor was I the one the anger was directed at (abused). I let the abused person know I could plainly see what was going on and that I would help where I can. I let the abuser know he was out of line, that I was sorry he was in so much pain and that I would help where I can but the verbal abuse needs to end. And then out of nowhere, the anger flared and was directed at me....once.

I immediately told the abuser, in exact words, 'Have you lost your F'n mind!?!? Just because you hurt doesn't give you the right to visit that shit on anyone else!' When the abuser said 'I'm sorry, I was in a bad place.' I immediately told him, 'Just say I'm sorry and leave the lame excuse out.' I wanted to make it crystal clear I wasn't going to accept any excuse for abuse for any reason ..... especially when I'm helping out. When the abused got wind of it she yelled at me for being insensitive. I waited until she was done and calmly said 'If either of you direct that crap at me again I'll cut you both lose'. The boundaries were set and we were fine afterwards. I can't say the same for the couple unfortunately.

Nobody can hurt you a second time unless you allow it......