The Depressimistic Thread
- Thread starter EveryDayAmnesiac
- Start date
Radio
stay true to yourselves
Woke up after a heavy night of vaping.. Feel like theres a haze over me and only the depressing songs are fitting today.
I'll spare you all the eternally flowing river or words that are coming from a dark place right now and just cut it short.
An open letter to myself: When I let you down please don't lose your faith in me. I'll be right there beside you when the walls are caving in. I swear I'm not going anywhere, but when I let you down.. Look past your doubt. Don't lose your faith in me.
I'll spare you all the eternally flowing river or words that are coming from a dark place right now and just cut it short.
An open letter to myself: When I let you down please don't lose your faith in me. I'll be right there beside you when the walls are caving in. I swear I'm not going anywhere, but when I let you down.. Look past your doubt. Don't lose your faith in me.
Dawntreader
Kayakist
basement farmer
My face is melting...
Thanks to all for your kind words and empathy. Particular gratitude to those who've survived similar losses of loved ones.
Over the past few days a number of facts have come to my attention that I wasn't aware of. He had been fighting demons for much longer than I ever knew...his substance abuse was way more severe than I had thought...MJ not among them...but any prescription med he could get his hands on...even if by theft. All of this was probably not on my radar since it's been years since we genuinely shared each others company and he had become someone different than the brother I knew.
This hasn't really helped me feel better about the situation. As is also the case in his suicide note in which he to goes into great detail expressing how he loved his children and his soul mate as well as how he wishes he could've been a better man and father to those in his life...yet decides quiting on them by taking his own life ....as if this is going to make it better somehow.
It's fucking tragedy all the way around and quit frankly I'm not sure how I can feel anything other than contempt for him right now.
And I know that the answer to healing my own heart is through forgiveness, understanding and love. I know that if I could see him one last time, I'd hug him like I'd never let him go.
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do between brothers, but I think it can be done.
This is really all I have to say on the matter. If anyone wants to get cathartic thru a PM, let me know. I'll be happy to chat.
Until then I'm going to work on getting on with life...as if we have a choice
Over the past few days a number of facts have come to my attention that I wasn't aware of. He had been fighting demons for much longer than I ever knew...his substance abuse was way more severe than I had thought...MJ not among them...but any prescription med he could get his hands on...even if by theft. All of this was probably not on my radar since it's been years since we genuinely shared each others company and he had become someone different than the brother I knew.
This hasn't really helped me feel better about the situation. As is also the case in his suicide note in which he to goes into great detail expressing how he loved his children and his soul mate as well as how he wishes he could've been a better man and father to those in his life...yet decides quiting on them by taking his own life ....as if this is going to make it better somehow.
It's fucking tragedy all the way around and quit frankly I'm not sure how I can feel anything other than contempt for him right now.
And I know that the answer to healing my own heart is through forgiveness, understanding and love. I know that if I could see him one last time, I'd hug him like I'd never let him go.
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do between brothers, but I think it can be done.
This is really all I have to say on the matter. If anyone wants to get cathartic thru a PM, let me know. I'll be happy to chat.
Until then I'm going to work on getting on with life...as if we have a choice
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Radio
stay true to yourselves
Thanks, I got through the day like an adultSending some good vibes your way @Deja Vu
Sometimes the illusion of insurmountable pressure is worse than the pressure itself, which was the case the other day Just remember that if feel confused about your emotions towards him, and if they are negative or insensitive; know that they are not directed at him but only at your imagined self in his shoes. What you can feel towards him after this act is only equivalent of what you would feel about yourself if you were in his situation. You would not be proud of yourself and your actions; and that is fair enough.. Suicide is not often an honorable and selfless act..Thanks to all for your kind words and empathy. Particular gratitude to those who've survived similar losses of loved ones.
Over the past few days a number of facts have come to my attention that I wasn't aware of. He had been fighting demons for much longer than I ever knew...his substance abuse was way more severe than I had thought...MJ not among them...but any prescription med he could get his hands on...even if by theft. All of this was probably not on my radar since it's been years since we genuinely shared each others company and he had become someone different than the brother I knew.
This hasn't really helped me feel better about the situation. As is also the case in his suicide note in which he to goes into great deal expressing how he loved his children and his soul mate as well as how he wishes he could've been a better man and father to those in his life...yet decides quiting on them by taking his own life ....as if this is going to make it better somehow.
It's fucking tragedy all the way around and quit frankly I'm not sure how I can feel anything other than contempt for him right now.
And I know that the answer to healing my own heart is through forgiveness, understanding and love. I know that if I could see him one last time, I'd hug him like I'd never let him go.
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do between brothers, but I think it can be done.
This is really all I have to say on the matter. If anyone wants to get cathartic thru a PM, let me know. I'll be happy to chat.
Until then I'm going to work on getting on with life...as if we have a choice
If you can walk proud with an energy and aura that would handle his situation better than he handled it himself then his death was not in vain. You can negate what happened by doing the opposite and staying strong through all of lifes challenges. I'm proud of you for handling it so well thus far and no doubt you will extract many valuable life lessons from this. And remember, he will always be with you in spirit so there is plenty of time to resolve these conflicting emotions with him.
My warmest vibes are heading your way. Thank you for sharing
CarolKing
Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur
You have a lot to deal with right now. Feeling angry is natural and is part of the process. There will be several stages of grief that you will probably go through. Take care of yourself. Reach out to others if needed. Talking will help. When a loved one dies, you look around and you wonder how life can go on? Life does go on it's just different, there will always be that hole that's left unfilled. Live life well friend.Thanks to all for your kind words and empathy. Particular gratitude to those who've survived similar losses of loved ones.
Over the past few days a number of facts have come to my attention that I wasn't aware of. He had been fighting demons for much longer than I ever knew...his substance abuse was way more severe than I had thought...MJ not among them...but any prescription med he could get his hands on...even if by theft. All of this was probably not on my radar since it's been years since we genuinely shared each others company and he had become someone different than the brother I knew.
This hasn't really helped me feel better about the situation. As is also the case in his suicide note in which he to goes into great detail expressing how he loved his children and his soul mate as well as how he wishes he could've been a better man and father to those in his life...yet decides quiting on them by taking his own life ....as if this is going to make it better somehow.
It's fucking tragedy all the way around and quit frankly I'm not sure how I can feel anything other than contempt for him right now.
And I know that the answer to healing my own heart is through forgiveness, understanding and love. I know that if I could see him one last time, I'd hug him like I'd never let him go.
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do between brothers, but I think it can be done.
This is really all I have to say on the matter. If anyone wants to get cathartic thru a PM, let me know. I'll be happy to chat.
Until then I'm going to work on getting on with life...as if we have a choice
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Radio
stay true to yourselves
Highly suicidal right now.. How weak and pathetic..
Boss just told me that she couldn't pinpoint one area that i'm letting down the team in.. Just 'across the board'.. She isnt sure if I am capable or if I literally just don't get it.
I thought I was doing well at this job. I do my best and pay attention.
I guess I'm just a fucking idiot who was lucky to have the job even for a few months. Thinking of ending it all isn't a concern.. Living is the concern. I hope they serve vallium on a silver platter in hell.
So weak and misunderstood. Another human..
Boss just told me that she couldn't pinpoint one area that i'm letting down the team in.. Just 'across the board'.. She isnt sure if I am capable or if I literally just don't get it.
I thought I was doing well at this job. I do my best and pay attention.
I guess I'm just a fucking idiot who was lucky to have the job even for a few months. Thinking of ending it all isn't a concern.. Living is the concern. I hope they serve vallium on a silver platter in hell.
So weak and misunderstood. Another human..
EveryDayAmnesiac
Well-Known Member
If it makes you feel any better, I have nothing to offer you in the way of advice.
But at least I won't feed you any bullshit.
This shit is pretty funny:
Radio
stay true to yourselves
At work, can't even watch it.If it makes you feel any better, I have nothing to offer you in the way of advice.
But at least I won't feed you any bullshit.
This shit is pretty funny:
I just went through some thoughts to climb my way out of it.. Took me 1 and a half hours which is better than 3 or 4 weeks, but still got a lot of improvement to do before I can call myself 'independent' or 'happy'..
The thought that got me out of it was reflecting on what happened.. Which was getting drilled and called incompetent, taking a lunch break to chat to suicide hotline after none of my friends or family answered.. then going back and continuing a normal life.
Nobody was there for me when I needed them, when I really should have looked to myself for help.
Only we can help ourselves.. which is a blessing and a curse.
Still.. fuck life sometimes and it's uncertainty. Fuck it all.
EveryDayAmnesiac
Well-Known Member
Do watch it once you get a chance. You just might laugh your suicidal balls off.
Bah. Just words. Carrots.
Except ol' EDA, who found your post in that window of where he's drunk enough to respond, but not quite drunk enough to have passed out. It's... a very brief window. So you must be blessed.
No arguments here.
Radio
stay true to yourselves
Thanks man, as long as someone was there. What are you drinking?Do watch it once you get a chance. You just might laugh your suicidal balls off.
Bah. Just words. Carrots.
Except ol' EDA, who found your post in that window of where he's drunk enough to respond, but not quite drunk enough to have passed out. It's... a very brief window. So you must be blessed.
No arguments here.
CarolKing
Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur
You never know when life will sends you a curve ball. Right when you feel things are going well. Hopefully @Deja Vu your supervisor can fully explain to you how you can improve? You just need to know what the expectations are? You may decide that you want to find another job too. At the moment you are still getting a pay check. You will have to think things through when you're not so emotional.
Tomorrow's another day. I hope it is a better day. Music seems to help my mood sometimes. I love to sing. So I sing along with some of my fav stuff. I even sing some of Carole King's music.
EDIT
I'm here too.
Tomorrow's another day. I hope it is a better day. Music seems to help my mood sometimes. I love to sing. So I sing along with some of my fav stuff. I even sing some of Carole King's music.
EDIT
I'm here too.
Radio
stay true to yourselves
I was just actually thinking (after a nice deep breath and a few packets of chips..) that I should approach her and let her know that I want to improve and would like her to bare with me while I keep trying.
And yes I also considered another job, but the pay is too convenient at the moment and is keeping me safely afloat through a very financially demanding year..
All I can do is keep coming in and trying. Keen to go home and listen to some nice tunes as well, that'll help, & thank you
Means a lotIt really does take a lot of effort but to those with depression; never quit. A slip-up or an episode doesn't mean the end of the world. (I hope..)
EveryDayAmnesiac
Well-Known Member
Well, when a man(child) in the Deep South decides his run has been long enough, he turns to White Lightning. Stuff will kill you faster than a bullet. A really, really, really slow-moving bullet.
Seriously, though. Moonshine. If you want to die young. And pretty. Or young (but still ugly).
Seriously, though. Moonshine. If you want to die young. And pretty. Or young (but still ugly).
Dawntreader
Kayakist
@Deja Vu : What i hate about the OS for social media including these forums is the "like" button. I realize it can be considered a form of "hey, i hear ya" kinda thing, but i'm old school communication and i hate the limitations of the "like" button...
That out of the way, even though you are half way around the world, and i dont know a thing about you except what you share here, i hate you are feeling the way you are right now...i hate anyone feels this way. God knows, there have been a few times i felt this way too. But only once did i seriously consider it, and i do mean seriously. And at the time, my daughter was 6...
There are studies that show that high levels of thc can worsen depression and if this describes you, you might want to consider making some changes. Alcohol does the same thing. Only you can help you in the long run...only you can decide if this life is worth all the bad shit. And if its not worth it, dont stress! Find a way to check yourself out with a little dignity - no need to stick around and suffer. If it is your time to go, you will know...Robin Williams did, Basement Farmer's brother did and my brother did and that's why he set himself on fire like the Buddhist monk named Thich Quang Duc...go out with dignity.
But if you just need an ear, someone to hear you... then send me a pm, i promise to listen~
That out of the way, even though you are half way around the world, and i dont know a thing about you except what you share here, i hate you are feeling the way you are right now...i hate anyone feels this way. God knows, there have been a few times i felt this way too. But only once did i seriously consider it, and i do mean seriously. And at the time, my daughter was 6...
There are studies that show that high levels of thc can worsen depression and if this describes you, you might want to consider making some changes. Alcohol does the same thing. Only you can help you in the long run...only you can decide if this life is worth all the bad shit. And if its not worth it, dont stress! Find a way to check yourself out with a little dignity - no need to stick around and suffer. If it is your time to go, you will know...Robin Williams did, Basement Farmer's brother did and my brother did and that's why he set himself on fire like the Buddhist monk named Thich Quang Duc...go out with dignity.
But if you just need an ear, someone to hear you... then send me a pm, i promise to listen~
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Radio
stay true to yourselves
I appreciate it, and I will keep that in mind, thanks.
Thankfully the thc level in my system isn't to blame. If anything it reduces the frequency of situations occuring where I feel like it's all falling apart.
Thankfully I move through these episodes quickly now. Not to say that they aren't incredibly dark and emotional but they don't last for nearly as long I'm proud that I was able to survice this far with panic attacks and depressing thoughts like the ones I am so farmiliar with. Used to last months on end, now it's just an hour a week where I feel convinced that suicide is actually an option. Thank you all for providing an outlet and an open ear
You're all sweethearts. Group hug?
Thankfully the thc level in my system isn't to blame. If anything it reduces the frequency of situations occuring where I feel like it's all falling apart.
Thankfully I move through these episodes quickly now. Not to say that they aren't incredibly dark and emotional but they don't last for nearly as long
I'm proud that I was able to survice this far with panic attacks and depressing thoughts like the ones I am so farmiliar with. Used to last months on end, now it's just an hour a week where I feel convinced that suicide is actually an option. Thank you all for providing an outlet and an open ear You're all sweethearts. Group hug?
CarolKing
Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur
In life we have times when things don't go so well. Usually things get better. I don't think it's wise to encourage suicide for anybody.
Edit
@Deja Vu I wish you well being and peace of mind. I suffer from anxiety and I had a bout of it yesterday. It was hard to pull through it. It's different than depression but it's related. I hate dealing with it. It started when I was 11 yrs old and in the 5th grade. I have bouts of it sometimes more often than other times. This past year it's been rough. I know things have got to get better. I can't change others and some things are beyond my control, but I worry anyway. Sometimes I can't shut my mind down. I really think mine is hereditary. My mom had it and so does my aunt. My grandma also had anxiety. I think it has something to do with our brain chemistry. I feel better today. I just can't dwell on the negative.
Edit
@Deja Vu I wish you well being and peace of mind. I suffer from anxiety and I had a bout of it yesterday. It was hard to pull through it. It's different than depression but it's related. I hate dealing with it. It started when I was 11 yrs old and in the 5th grade. I have bouts of it sometimes more often than other times. This past year it's been rough. I know things have got to get better. I can't change others and some things are beyond my control, but I worry anyway. Sometimes I can't shut my mind down. I really think mine is hereditary. My mom had it and so does my aunt. My grandma also had anxiety. I think it has something to do with our brain chemistry. I feel better today. I just can't dwell on the negative.
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Dawntreader
Kayakist
That was pretty funny - where do you find this shit?
Except ol' EDA, who found your post in that window of where he's drunk enough to respond, but not quite drunk enough to have passed out. It's... a very brief window. So you must be blessed.
Hilarious!
We must reside in the same part of the country! LOL!
Dawntreader
Kayakist
@CarolKing : I am not encouraging suicide, i am encouraging options and choices.
It's not much different than going to a movie and somewhere during it, becoming disgusted with it - no longer wishing to sit thru to the end and making the choice to get up and leave. we are all making our own movie here...we can chose to be the hero, the villan or the victim. We can choose how it will play out and if we are lucky, we can choose how it ends. I chose not to end my movie 2 decades ago but others have made that choice and i would never dream of telling them their choice was wrong if they felt it was right. If Dejavu wishes to end his life, he should have that choice. If he dosent, then maybe he should choose words OTHER than
The problem with suicide is that it is so mis understood particularly by those left behind. If we truly love someone we would let them leave if they are in that much pain. To expect ANYTHING ELSE is selfishness on our part. If Dejavu wants to leave his own movie, he should - thats all i'm saying. Now, if he posted here to get a bunch of strangers to tell him he should not kill himself, then he might need to examine the logic in that action as opposed to calling the suicide hotline . If he posted to get encouragement and support, perhaps rewording his post alittle less dramatically might have been more in keeping with this social venue.
Not trying to single you out @Deja Vu cause i really like you but some words are becoming catch phrases and dramatic descriptions...such as saying one has a migraine but what they really have is a bad headache, such as saying one is suicidal but really just majorly depressed and cant see any viable options in their current state of mind.
If weed is your medicine, use it. If its not working, get help. If you dont want help, then leave the movie...its all about fucking choice. Empower yourselves
CarolKing
Singer of songs and a vapor connoisseur
Sorry if I misunderstood your statement @Dawntreader. I encourage folks to seek help and reach out to others if needed.
VaporsVaporizer
On the Stoop
@Deja Vu Hey, getting told you're not performing well at work is not the end of the world. Getting fired , if that happens, isn't either. I would encourage you to talk to your boss tomorrow, see if there is room for improvement /training/mentoring so that you will function well at that place, if not find something else . Do you even like this job or is it just $?
Contemplating suicide is not the answer and i'm glad you're talking about it and NOT doing it, but you need to talk to someone about this.
I don't have depression, so i don't know what you're going through personally , but there has to be something that will help for you.
Have you explored all the resources that Dr's and Medication/ Therapy have to offer?
I think you're fairly young? 20's/30's? Like's a bitch sometimes and can get you down, but checking out shouldn't be the option, unless you have a terminal illness IMHO.
Hope you find some peace
Contemplating suicide is not the answer and i'm glad you're talking about it and NOT doing it, but you need to talk to someone about this.
I don't have depression, so i don't know what you're going through personally , but there has to be something that will help for you.
Have you explored all the resources that Dr's and Medication/ Therapy have to offer?
I think you're fairly young? 20's/30's? Like's a bitch sometimes and can get you down, but checking out shouldn't be the option, unless you have a terminal illness IMHO.
Hope you find some peace
Dawntreader
Kayakist
No worries @CarolKing, no apology needed
In the fall of 2012, just 4 months before graduating college in a record 3 years, my daughter became so depressed over the ending of her romantic relationship she could talk of nothing else but ending her life. I could not bear the fact especially after losing my brother. But when EVERYTHING was exhausted, i finally had to concede. I told her i loved her too much to see her in this much emotional pain that was eroding every good thing about her and that if she felt she needed to kill herself, that i understood. I gave her my permission to make the choice she felt she needed to make for herself. I have never done anything harder in my life.
When i lovingly threw in the towel, she knew she was truly alone and totally responsible for her choice...for ALL her choices including the one to feed her depression. She knew i would not stand in her way or judge her but that i could not help her ( not for lack of trying) Fortunately for me, the freedom of choice empowered her to chose life. And not just any life, but a good life. She has become the hero of her own story at 23 and continues to make that choice. And when she is upset and anxious or depressed, she calls me and we talk and she has never brought up taking her life again. Hopefully because that thought never comes to her mind anymore but i also believe that she knows i love her enough to allow her that choice and it is no longer a "catch word" for feeling like shit~
Radio
stay true to yourselves
The above comments confused me a bit, I hope I wasn't advocating suicide (which I am strongly against) and I also hope the impression wasn't given that I needed attention, support or understanding. I know most people in this thread understand the depths that life can sink to and sometimes it's just nice to be able to chime into the depressionist thread and say 'Fuck it.. Today is harder than I was prepared for and I'm struggling' and just get it off my chest.
I maintain faith that I can always work through it on my own but it's a reaction to reach out as well and not isolate myself in it so I hope that wasn't misconstrued. It is what it is; a momentary lapse in coping ability.
I don't wish to end my life but it gets confusing when it's second nature to be banging my head on the floor screaming WHY and grasping at straws trying to justify sticking around.. The truth is some of us are just in it for the long run and it IS going to be a struggle, but mental predispositions to considering suicide are things that (I hope) will fade as I grow older and be a thing of the past..
By throwing the word suicide around I am also in no way belittiling it's seriousness. I wouldn't use that word unless I had been dwelling on the act of suicide on & off for many years now, and unfortunately I have come close enough on many occasions to know the irreversible severity of it.
& rereading your comment @Dawntreader , I could have reworded my feelings to be more peachy but it came out how it did and I hope it didn't piss on anyones parade
Got home and resisted the urge to eat my 'in case of emergency' vallium stash and just faced the issue head on and realised that my life will continue and that everything is fine
Depression has been an ongoing thing but I can say that it's steadily alleviating it's own pressure over time. Talking freely about it is a big part of detaching it from myself like the negative entity that it is.. It has no business to be haunting a human!
I've tried a bit of therapy and councelling but I think in the end we can only strenghten ourselves on our own terms and it's daunting to try and make that natural progression coincide with a weekly or daily appointment with a professional.
As naive as it may be, I like to believe that my therapy for depression is a long road of self-help and self-esteem building which is something I know I can do on my own.
I maintain faith that I can always work through it on my own but it's a reaction to reach out as well and not isolate myself in it so I hope that wasn't misconstrued. It is what it is; a momentary lapse in coping ability.
I don't wish to end my life but it gets confusing when it's second nature to be banging my head on the floor screaming WHY and grasping at straws trying to justify sticking around.. The truth is some of us are just in it for the long run and it IS going to be a struggle, but mental predispositions to considering suicide are things that (I hope) will fade as I grow older and be a thing of the past..
By throwing the word suicide around I am also in no way belittiling it's seriousness. I wouldn't use that word unless I had been dwelling on the act of suicide on & off for many years now, and unfortunately I have come close enough on many occasions to know the irreversible severity of it.
& rereading your comment @Dawntreader , I could have reworded my feelings to be more peachy but it came out how it did and I hope it didn't piss on anyones parade
Got home and resisted the urge to eat my 'in case of emergency' vallium stash and just faced the issue head on and realised that my life will continue and that everything is fine
Thanks, and yes Its true I do need to seek some help for this. I shouldn't have to just expect to sink that low at the tiniest thing. It seems like a bit deal when it hits me and I just go a bit numb and try to find a new location to clear my head but sometimes once it hits me it's just a matter of effort and time before it leaves and lets me get on with my life.
Depression has been an ongoing thing but I can say that it's steadily alleviating it's own pressure over time. Talking freely about it is a big part of detaching it from myself like the negative entity that it is.. It has no business to be haunting a human!
I've tried a bit of therapy and councelling but I think in the end we can only strenghten ourselves on our own terms and it's daunting to try and make that natural progression coincide with a weekly or daily appointment with a professional.
As naive as it may be, I like to believe that my therapy for depression is a long road of self-help and self-esteem building which is something I know I can do on my own.
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Dawntreader
Kayakist
& rereading your comment @Dawntreader , I could have reworded my feelings to be more peachy but it came out how it did and I hope it didn't piss on anyones parade
This is the Depressimistic thread, not the peachy thread and typically we post here specifically to piss on something and if a parade happens to be going by while we are pissing, it will get wet. Instead of
, i am going to change the subject...when was the last time you had some really great sex? Now might be a good time to find some
Radio
stay true to yourselves
Ahahahaha! Like 3 months ago, and yes I'm always lookingThis is the Depressimistic thread, not the peachy thread and typically we post here specifically to piss on something and if a parade happens to be going by while we are pissing, it will get wet. Instead of