@Enchantre
It's hard for anyone to overcome what you're about to try and accomplish. It seems that you're a lot more like me than I ever thought.
As human beings, under normal circumstances we create facades. We each live our live wearing multiple masks for different situations. We don't talk to our boss the way we talk to our buddies, we don't (regardless of age) act the same way in front of our parents or kids in front of my 420 friends. This is normal, whether we want to believe it or not.
Now, let me for a second flip to some science. In an absolutely normal brain (which I'm not convinced exists) these facades are easily managed. Honesty is never an issue and considering that the brain function is normal, such person could work themselves through anxiety and depression. These folks' brains are fucking pumping out dopamine and serotonin equally and voila! You have Dr Oz.
Now, back to reality for me and you. Our brains are broken, we have cylinders that misfire and anxieties that dictate our daily lives. We're even affected physically as you mention these terrors at night and your BP issue. Those facades and masks become forgotten, we start to gravitate to the facades we like without closing out others or chapters. After so many years it begins to depress you. At first we don't know what's bothering us, we walk around unhappy and lost within our own minds. We end up with so many facades we get lost. We forgot where we left off and all of a sudden our knee jerk reaction is to lie.
For a while you'll become a victim, oh why me? I have nothing to be depressed about yet I'm having nightmares, mood swings, and I have no motivation anymore. We try and fake it till we make it but that only lasts so long. Your true friends start hinting to you that they're noticing differences in you, your not fun anymore - you never want to do things. Your fucking trapped by your own mind.
Take it from me, you need more help than just talking to your husband. I applaud you being able to communicate with him that way and I commend his patience but he's not going to reach in your heart and pull out those fucking masks.
I lived a lie to myself, I had nothing under control, I never accepted my brother's death and I never came to grips with my disease. Since starting therapy and psychiatry I have accomplished more in the last month than I have in years. I was taking ambien and trazadone for years to help my insomnia - I don't need it anymore. I've even learned ways to empty my mind and ease anxiety.
You deserve this, you're not a bad person - you're a good person, your loving, your a good friend, and you have a great personality. But like a lot of us, your bat shit crazy! And that's ok, your gonna fix it sister!
And we're all here cheering you on.
On a separate note I'm standing by waiting on a call. It looks like Nannies going to hospice.
