Dear Dorkus.......................

[dorkus_molorkus]

dorkus,

I get turned on a lot during the day. Problem is, it only happens when I look in mirrors.

Advice? And don't say stop looking in the mirror, it's hard

Meh, You are just another self enamoured chronic masturbater

what? you got callus's?
youre ripping the skin off it?
You are whacking off in private right? and not in front of the store window of macys where the nativity scene is located?
I fail to see what the problem is??


'stop it, you will go blind.' said my mum.
'Fair enough, cant I just do it till I need glasses?'

As for the looking at yourself all the time.
Youve heard of the saying 'a face only a mother could love??'
you wish jelly fish!
Man, you got a head like a dropped sloppy-joe.

So, have at it my good man while at least you find yourself attractive
Get your self a watermelon and have a poke at that.

No wonder you are always looking at yourself in the mirror,
picking out the cookie dough I expect.
Hows the job going at the biscuit factory being the gorilla biscuit mold?
Steady work I hear, the special bus drops you off and picks you up each day, and the biscuit factory gets a nice tax break for hiring a retarded degenerate inbred who cant keep his hand off his knob while stamping his face into cookie dough 8 hours a day.

winners all round I say.

But if you are really concerned,

Poke your eyes out with a sharpened dessert spoon, or chop your hands off.
up to you
problem solved.

NEXT!

 

[grokit]

You ruined it Dorkus!
In my mind's eye, @Quetzalcoatl was a hot babe.

 

[fluffhead]

Dear @dorkus_molorkus,

As per this post, you are bored right now. My question is this, what can we fc members do to help cure your boredom? I'm certain that you have helped others cure hours of boredom, and I think it is only fair that we return the favour.

Regards,
Fluff

PS. STFU is doing great. He has no problems feeding, but he does think you've been delinquent in your godfatherhood. As for your offer to help breastfeed, we'll take it. It will be your job to feed him any time between 12-8am. If you can do this while remaining on Aussie time, that would be ideal for both you and him. Thanks!

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

wow your concern is very touching. especially after that drunken episode with your wife and the emu on your last visit, before shutty was born.

Your missus can really drink huh? The way she was throwing them down while six months pregnant was epic dude! I spose its too early to tell if shuttys a retard yet?
I wouldnt worry too much, if your wifes binge drinking didnt do it, then your less than adequate genes will make it a certainty.

It turns out life in the Nunnery is a bit boring. I thought that it would be all orgies and gay times racing the disabled down the side of the mountain in shopping carts.

Sure it was all of that and more for the 1st two weeks or so. But we quickly ran out of disabled kids as the mountain is rather perilous and most didnt make it the first run.
Turns out I also gave all the nuns the clap as well ( thats according to 'whatsthatdischarge.com') and now I am not too popular with them either.

Father Oleary has gone to source some more orphans for our Gucci knockoff sweatshop.
There has been some staffing issues ever since Father Oleary beat 3 of them to death recently.
Sure, to be truthful, he only crippled them. But the steepness of the mountain and the velocity of the shopping cart in a racing scenario is a fatal mixture apparently.
He takes this role very seriously. He says that if he cant find any orphans, then God willing, he will create some.

Caring for the homeless is not all its cracked up to be either. The convent rents them a fridge sized cardboard box for only 60hrs a week making Gucci handbags & they also get food for an additional 20 hrs per week.

Fuck me, do these fuckers whinge! 'My cardboard box leaks when it rains',
'my racing derby stew tastes like Timmy the retarded kid.'
where does it all fucking end?

So to answer your question.
While I am off doing Gods work in the convent, the odd little message in this thread is helpful. Especially if you are detailing whatever pathetic tragedy has plowed its way into the drive thru window that is your life. I find the sadder and more pathetic the tale, the more I am comforted by taking the absolute piss out of you for my own amusement.

So much love to you all. I gotta go and turn on the CCTV in the confession booth. Its amazing what people will pay to be free of sin.

 

[Campers Crumpet]

Dear Aunty Dorkus,
I'm going to use a pseudonym just in case the aliens that have laid eggs in my left eye also have got spy dust on my fan. My name is Mhicah Litorus.
I've had several things going on lately, I'm finding more and more each day I'm fighting the urge to lick my pet bird. But last Wednesday I answered the phone to a man trying sell me a new mobile phone, now I think I'm pregnant with an Indian baby. Then when I was watching some footage of the ladyboys in Thailand, I suddenly felt the urge to to get a race change, I'm so over being white I want some color in my cheeks.
After trying to go on a short holiday, I really need some me time. I got on the wrong bus and am somewhere out west without my medication, any cash or phone. But I've been getting by on drinking from puddles and raiding bins.
Someone stole one of my shoes and all my clothes fell off in a dream and I was concreted to the ground in a glass house with everyone pointing and laughing.
When I left home, I think I left the iron on and the house unlocked and the animals locked safely in my car.
I was filling out some papers at the doctor because I went swimming last week and in my swimming class was a lady covered in crusty back scabs, well one floated off and I accidentally ate it. So I thought I should get my thyroid function checked in case she was going through menopause.
Can you please help me, My problem being that I can't find my glasses did I leave them at your house ?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

OMG- you are a car crash woman. I will try to address as many of your issues as I can, but I am no longer a young man & your ' issues' are many.

I've had several things going on lately, I'm finding more and more each day I'm fighting the urge to lick my pet bird.

You dont have a pet bird, the only pet you own is a peruvian blue insanity toad. As for fighting the urge to lick it, well thats sort of negated when you use it to play Richard Gere & the lonely gerbil with my sublimator tube as a sexual aid.

But it does explain the inane and nonsensical ravings you engaged in above.

(and some of those farts that smell like death.)
You do know you are not supposed to let it die up there?

last Wednesday I answered the phone to a man trying sell me a new mobile phone, now I think I'm pregnant with an Indian baby.

thats just fucken racist & ignorant shit right there.

How the fuck are you pregnant with an Indian baby just from talking to him on the phone?

He was from Bangladesh, therefore you are pregnant with a Bangladeshi baby or ' a banger' I think is the correct term.

Congratulations!
Nike are offering a bag of rice & an egg. Apple are offering a 2010 ipod & Reebok are offering a pair of Nikes, just as soon as he is old enough to make them.

Then when I was watching some footage of the ladyboys in Thailand, I suddenly felt the urge to to get a race change, I'm so over being white I want some color in my cheeks.

WTF?? you are white? are you fucken sure??

Did you know that your heart is located directly under your left boob?
Wait.......... your heart is in your knee? wow.

But I can see how you would desire a change. Have you considered any of the asian nationalities?

You could become a prostitute in Patpong and call your self 'Gobble De-gook'



I got on the wrong bus and am somewhere out west without my medication, any cash or phone. But I've been getting by on drinking from puddles and raiding bins.


thats you?? FFS woman, if you want to keep foraging for the crust offa my toast, I suggest you clean up the mess you make. Or just like a raccon, I will set the dogs on you.

FYI- dont drink outta the puddles. I like to pee outside.


Someone stole one of my shoes and all my clothes fell off in a dream and I was concreted to the ground in a glass house with everyone pointing and laughing.


so, youve started wearing shoes now? Good on you. As for everyone laughing at you, I suspect its either the beard or the sublimator tube with the dead toad hanging outta your ass?


I was filling out some papers at the doctor because I went swimming last week and in my swimming class was a lady covered in crusty back scabs, well one floated off and I accidentally ate it.

wow, lucky you, I havent had a 'pool truffle' in years. Is she there all the time? does she have a boyfriend? Do you think she would mind if I had a go too?


Can you please help me,

No, its too late for you I fear.


My problem being that I can't find my glasses did I leave them at your house ?

Yes, but I do admire the lengths in which you looked for them.

I thought the dog had them.

But then I remembered I gave them to Raoul the burro so he would appear more attractive to father Oleary. (he has a thing for asses in glasses)

So, to answer your main question.

Yes, about 11:30.

 

[momofthegoons]

Dear Dorkus......

I find myself in quite the predicament. I recently went in for hip replacement surgery and when I woke up my feet looked like this...

Not only is this not what I asked for..... these aren't even my feet!!!!

But that is not the biggest problem.

I was given special bandaging when I left the hospital. The big problem is that my dog will not leave my feet alone. I'm a bit afraid I will lose a toe or two if his licking continues.... Here are the bandages they gave me.

I also bought the economy size of the "designer series."

Should I be concerned?

Thank you for your help!!!

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Right, this fucken shit has gone on long enough. That kenyan idiot's health plan has those poor kids outta the Nike factories in bangladesh coming over to the USA as foreign trained doctors.

who the fuck voted for that shit?

As for the bacon bandage, WTF else would anyone use?

In regards to the dog, it could be worse/ better (depends on yr POV)

for example- what if you just had a labia reconstruction, some serious roids removed or a pro-lapse re-sleeve/ repack?

Under those circumstances a puppy might get promoted in my house.
Theres a good boy! nom, nom, nom.

 

[momofthegoons]

Dear Dorkus,

I have had a reoccurring problem recently, where I feel that the neighborhood squirrels have been plotting against me. Every time I go outside, those damn things are sitting on my fence or in my trees, glaring at me. I even had one throw a branch he had gnawed off at me yesterday! WTF? I haven't done anything to those nasty little buggers! Why do they taunt me like the French?

I slept on it last night....

But couldn't come up with any answers. I'm hopeful that you can help me before they go "nuts" and start getting more aggressive. Why are they picking on me?

Thank you ever so much for your always wonderful advice!

Going Squirrelly

ps.... about my previous dilemma..... am I applying the bandaids correctly?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

ah yes, most people would think that you have a
bad case of the Welfaris EeBeeTeeus Squirrelus

aka 'the welfare squirrel.'

The glares and mutterings of abuse that emanate from these types of squirrels is understood to be some sort of protest. Scientists think it roughly translates into
"where the fuck is ma Ebit card mofo?"
or
'who the fuck is gunna feed ma babies?, I gots 27 babies, with 32 baby daddies on the disabilitys with the diabetus. who?, you tell me fucking who??'

But they would be all wrong. Its an easy mistake to make

You got some kind of squirrel thats much fucking worse.

Yup, their French Canadian cousin, a much maligned sub species known as 'the Quebecois Borg'. some people think that like herpes they will just keep flaring up once they have infected a community.

but most dont know of their more lesser known name.

'The poutaine eating surrender squirrel.'
So, they are pretty easy to see off once you know how.
All you gotta do is extend your forefinger and thumb like thus.

and as loud as you can say 'BANG!, BANG! IMA GUNNA KILL ALL YOUSE MUTHFUCKAS'
At least one will fall down dead, if not several.
The others will scatter never to bother you again.

you said you slept on this last night?

That little girl doesnt look nearly big enough and she looks like she wouldnt be very comfy anyway.
Sounds like some sort of child abuse or something.

On to the bacon bandaids, well if you actually bought bacon bandaids.

I think maybe you need yr eyes fixed as well.
It seems you have grabbed the 'middle eastern chasity pack' by mistake

You can safely wear this sexy little number in any middle eastern country (including the one with the chosen people in it) with no fear of sexual assault of any kind, at all. In these countries you will find absolutely no one interested in the contents of your greasy thighs.

I also imagine it might be some use to @lwien and his chaffed balls, but thats a different thread.

I am wondering however, why you require a band aid that large for that area?
what possible wound could you have?
Did you get hit with an axe?

Hopefully thats everyone adequately offended, if I missed anyone or you arent offended enough?
I apologise.
Just send me a PM & I will be sure to be extra offensive to you & what you hold dear next time.

 

[SSVUN~YAH]

Dear Dorkus,

I have had a reoccurring problem recently, where I feel that the neighborhood squirrels have been plotting against me. Every time I go outside, those damn things are sitting on my fence or in my trees, glaring at me. I even had one throw a branch he had gnawed off at me yesterday! WTF? I haven't done anything to those nasty little buggers! Why do they taunt me like the French?

I slept on it last night....

Damn Squirrels!!!

 

[Campers Crumpet]

Dear Dorkas, I need some medical advice. I find myself rolling about in a sweating haze of I ate too much chocolate yesterday. I've taken some old faithful (fruity lax) but this has just added to the issue.
Please advise

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

The gift that keeps on giving?

Perhaps some sort of incendiary device?
Blow the dam somewhat?

Dont forget to wax! Its bushfire season.



Perhaps you could take a swim?

That might help 'relax' you?

 

[Campers Crumpet]

Woot, there's only one relief for the 'I ate too much chocolate', suddenly I feel well again...

This was me only hours ago...

 

[EveryDayAmnesiac]

Dear Dorkus,

This morning I awoke to find that a magical, bitey, spiteful little creature had taken residence in my pants, and he won't let me use the restroom.

(Takes three buttons to keep my pants up these days...)


My question is, do you like The Road Warrior?

I think it's pretty cool, but sometimes the outfits that the ... uh ... "men" wear make me ... uncomfortable, particularly that which Lord Humungus sports. Do all Australians dress this way?

(click the pic to see the full-sized version...)

Also, why do I find myself so funny when no one else does?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

Dear Dorkus,

This morning I awoke to find that a magical, bitey, spiteful little creature had taken residence in my pants, and he won't let me use the restroom.

Ah yes the searing pain of an STD. I know it well.
Check yo self, before you wreck yo self bro.

Hint- the yellow discharge is NEVER a good sign.

My question is, do you like The Road Warrior?

No, The Road Warrior was the Nthn Mexican title and it was shit.

in this country the movie was called "Mad Max'' & it was fucken cool.

I guess the nthn mexicans couldnt figure what he was Mad about I guess.

Gawd even the surrender monkeys could cope with the fact Max was mad.

I think it's pretty cool, but sometimes the outfits that the ... uh ... "men" wear make me ... uncomfortable, particularly that which Lord Humungus sports. Do all Australians dress this way?

Yes, dont you?
This is me and the lads just heading out for a nite at bingo.

We put @Stu at the front for laughs.
by even our standards he looks fucken stupid.

Also, why do I find myself so funny when no one else does?

I dont understand?
Most people with retardation as severe as yours laugh uncontrollably at themselves.
FFS-next you will be asking me why you constantly shit your pants & drool on yourself?

 

[Stu]

We put @Stu at the front for laughs.
by even our standards he looks fucken stupid.

Do you realize how insulting that is coming from an Australian?

100 warning points were just fired in your general direction. I suggest you duck to avoid them, but you would probably be doing that anyway.

 

[Abysmal Vapor]

Dear Dorkus, Last night i had a stupid argument with some combusters.. There is this batch of herb which smell really nice and gives me nice clouds .. They claimed that it doesn't get them high at all.. and praise other herb which tastes like burned goat's ass.. (rough childhood i had lol) and has zero effect with any of my vapes) I had to wash my bong 3 times to get rid of that nasty goat smell. They say it takes us only three hits even when its rolled with tobacco to get nice effects ... They started even a theory that some herbs don't work in vaporizers and have effect only by smoking them on paper.. And that the tasty stuff was a "vaporizer strain" and theirs was "combusters strain" ... Well i told them their weed is probably sprayed with some bad dope which vaporizes on higher temps than vaporizers can offer.. and that they talk non-sense.. and then i was overflown by numerous ,stupid ,out of logic stoner explanations and theories .. Should i be friends with such idiots ?What would a aussie specialist has to say, is there an easier way to tolerate such people , anything that u can recommend , a tip, a brew , a magic potion or a lotion ?

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

I see you have had a run in with some 'burners'.
These motherfuckers are the aborted fetuses of scientoligists and there is just no reasoning with them.

Should you be friends with such idiots you ask?
Are they the basis of some anthropological doctorate thesis?

Does the scientist at Pfizer hang out with the experimental monkeys after work?
No, he fucking doesnt.

Sure you may convert one or 2 of these freaks.
But really its best just to try to gently point them in the right direction.
When they try to counter what you are saying with 'bullshit stoner logic',
just smile politely, nod and say 'thats nice'

Thats what I do in regards to most of you here.

For example
(the relevant bit starts at 30s)

 

[Grim Chiclets]

I woke up and my PP made yogurt.. what would I do if I were in Mad Max

 

[Radio]

I see you have had a run in with some 'burners'.
These motherfuckers are the aborted fetuses of scientoligists and there is just no reasoning with them.

Should you be friends with such idiots you ask?
Are they the basis of some anthropological doctorate thesis?

Does the scientist at Pfizer hang out with the experimental monkeys after work?
No, he fucking doesnt.

Sure you may convert one or 2 of these freaks.
But really its best just to try to gently point them in the right direction.
When they try to counter what you are saying with 'bullshit stoner logic',
just smile politely, nod and say 'thats nice'

Thats what I do in regards to most of you here.

For example
(the relevant bit starts at 30s)

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

 

[4tokin]

I think maybe you need yr eyes fixed as well.
It seems you have grabbed the 'middle eastern chasity pack' by mistake

You can safely wear this sexy little number in any middle eastern country (including the one with the chosen people in it) with no fear of sexual assault of any kind, at all. In these countries you will find absolutely no one interested in the contents of your greasy thighs.

.

Dude!
That is GOLD

 

[Enchantre]

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Told ya...

 

[Stu]

Dear Dorkus,

With the growing Ebola crisis, I've become concerned that my stash may have had unprotected sex with African batmonkeys on it's way to my dispensary and could therefore sicken me with the dreaded disease.

I have two questions: How can I make sure that my herb is Ebola-free, and why do you scratch your balls so much?

TIA

 

[dorkus_molorkus]

How can I make sure that my herb is Ebola-free?

Last time I checked no one is charging yet for ebola.
So, yes you can still get Ebola for free. Just have yr local friendly african batmonkey to sneeze on yr weed, or in yr case to jizz on it ya sick fucker and you will instantly have weed with complimentary ebola for no extra charge.

I believe most dispensaries have an African Batmonkey out back, you just have to ask for it.

Mention the BOGE deal. ' Buy one, get Ebola' and before you know it you will be bleeding from your eyes and bum forthwith with a serious case of the munchies from the infected 8th of GSC you purchased.

Besides I dont know what the big deal is anyways?
I just had Ebola this morning.
Sure it was an Ebola of cheerios, but I diced with death no doubt about it.

why do you scratch your balls so much?

I get this strange rash everytime I go to yr house when yr not home & stick yr toothbrush up my bum for shits and giggles.
Well TBH I am normally laughing too much too shit at this point, but you get my drift.

So I suspect all the ball scratching ultimately stems from your gingivitis.

I suggest you gargle more & swallow less my friend.
(well at least when you are at the gloryhole)








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